I am obsessed, I admit it. I am obsessed with my body. Well, I am obsessed with my abdomen more specifically. If you watched me carefully, you would notice me touching it, looking at it, rubbing it. I have been working hard to flatten my stomach, but doing lots of exercise and crunches. You may be thinking that I am just vain, or that I am just trying to get my ass in shape for my wedding. Yes, to some extent maybe those answers are correct.
But the main reason for my obsession, is because I am waiting, watching, listening for some sort of sign that my Cancer could be returning. Ever since my first surgery as I watched my incisions heal, I have been very much in tune with my abdomen. I want to know every nook and cranny.
Now, the rational side of my brain argues "Jen, come one you aren't going to all of a sudden see something growing out of your stomach" or "Jen, you just had a clean CT Scan what are you looking for?" or "Are you serious, you are just full from that huge ass meal you just had" or "You have your wanna-be-period, therefore you are just bloated" or "Jen you just have fucking gas!" These explanations are well and good 90% of the time. But, there are those days of just craziness where the irrational side of my brain wins and I am consumed with thoughts like "My stomach was not so big yesterday, maybe I am bloated from Cancer growth" or "I have this stitch in my side all day, maybe it's Cancer" or "My scar looked flatter yesterday, maybe it's Cancer." OH MY Stop it.
Am I alone on this one? Am I the only person (cancer person) in the world who thinks they have x-ray vision and can see Cancer through their skin? Am I the only one who is obsessed with their body, studying it, paying attention to any sensation? Maybe it's not my abdomen I am obsessed with but Cancer. You think???
I am obsessed, I admit it. I am obsessed with my body. Well, I am obsessed with my abdomen more specifically. If you watched me carefully, you would notice me touching it, looking at it, rubbing it. I have been working hard to flatten my stomach, but doing lots of exercise and crunches. You may be thinking that I am just vain, or that I am just trying to get my ass in shape for my wedding. Yes, to some extent maybe those answers are correct.
But the main reason for my obsession, is because I am waiting, watching, listening for some sort of sign that my Cancer could be returning. Ever since my first surgery as I watched my incisions heal, I have been very much in tune with my abdomen. I want to know every nook and cranny.
Now, the rational side of my brain argues "Jen, come one you aren't going to all of a sudden see something growing out of your stomach" or "Jen, you just had a clean CT Scan what are you looking for?" or "Are you serious, you are just full from that huge ass meal you just had" or "You have your wanna-be-period, therefore you are just bloated" or "Jen you just have fucking gas!" These explanations are well and good 90% of the time. But, there are those days of just craziness where the irrational side of my brain wins and I am consumed with thoughts like "My stomach was not so big yesterday, maybe I am bloated from Cancer growth" or "I have this stitch in my side all day, maybe it's Cancer" or "My scar looked flatter yesterday, maybe it's Cancer." OH MY Stop it.
Am I alone on this one? Am I the only person (cancer person) in the world who thinks they have x-ray vision and can see Cancer through their skin? Am I the only one who is obsessed with their body, studying it, paying attention to any sensation? Maybe it's not my abdomen I am obsessed with but Cancer. You think???