A cancer survivor’s thoughts on Lance Armstrong’s comeback
Posted Sep 22 2008 10:17am
Ok so I guess the really big news right now is that Lance Armstrong has decided to pull a Cher, a Streisand, a Celine Dion and come out of retirement to throw his hat back into the ring and race in the 2009 Tour de France. I guess 7 times isn’t enough for the man who we all draw inspiration from yet who, according to one mainstream newspaper, “ goes through celebrity girlfriends like an SUV owner fills their fuel tank ” and reminds us it’s nice to be rich and famous, especially if that’s your thing.
Now don’t get me wrong - I have the utmost respect for the guy. He has earned 100 percent of everything he has. I mean, come on - he’s Lance frieken Armstrong. Without him there’d be no Proposition 15 which gave Texas $3B in cancer research funding. John McCain would not have had to show up in Columbus to talk about his Civil War stories. Sheryl Crow would probably have never written a few songs. But most significantly, there’d be no yellow wristbands and therefore no LIVESTRONG. He is the man; cancer’s hottest spokesman that one mag called “ Hollywood’s Alpha Bachelor!”
So I read this online:
“ Vanity Fair was forced to release their October Lance Armstrong story much earlier than they wanted to, thanks to the leaked stories about Lance’s return popping up online. The story is a long, personalized feature written by Vanity Fair columnist Douglas Brinkley, a native Texan, who seems dumbfounded by the news of Armstrong’s intentions. Brinkley was apparently expecting Armstrong to share his political aspirations or some more dire circumstances about his battle with cancer. Nope, the guy just wants to race again.”
But come on dude - are you bored? Get a hobby. Run for Governor. Do Texas proud and put someone in office with brains who can speak articulately and intelligently. Sit on the couch and watch reruns of Futurama. Crochet. Join World of Warcraft. Second Life? Write another book. Something! But seriously - eight times a charm? Man, I envy you as I sit here writing this blog post while watching reruns of Futurama. Go Bender!
I wouldn’t claim to know this personally being the sedentary sack of pudge that I am, but I suppose if the competitive spirit is born within you, it’s like a narcotic. Wait…I didn’t mean to use the word “narcotic” and Lance in the same thought bubble. I for one never believed any of that crap about him. He’s was just born a super human. His heart is like twice the normal size of the average human and his VO2 max (the gauge by which the human body’s capacity to transport and use oxygen is measured) is super human.
I mean, just look at Michael Phelps. The guy is himself a superhuman but he’s a gorgeous mutant specimen. Look at the way his body is shaped. He has the chest cavity, curvature and physiology of a human dolphin or manta or fish-type animal. Is this evolution rearing it’s interesting head? Sarah Palin doesn’t think so. I realize there are always going to be exceptional people but this is ridiculous. Now the rest of us look even more sloven than before.
I did read that Lance agreed to go on record and have his urine tested live on the web with it literally and figuratively streaming into people’s houses. Sorry - that was a really bad joke. I’m so sorry. It’s just that when you say urination and the Internet in the same breath, it’s almost unconstitutional not to use the word ’streaming.’
As one article cited, “ Armstrong’s return will be heavily scrutinized and Tour officials insist that just because Lance passed all the drug tests the first seven times, it doesn’t mean he’s guaranteed a spot this time around, according to still-skeptical Race director Christian Prudhomme who said precisely this to ESPN this week. ” In any case I digress. Lance - you can and should do whatever the hell you want to do. You’re the most powerful and influential public athletic figure in history. You’re the greatest cancer survivor ever. (Forget Michael Jordon and his Hanes commercials). I only have three final words for Lance - just don’t lose.
No pressure. Seriously.
Rock on, Matthew Zachary, CEO of the I’m Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation (iy)
I’m Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation (iy) is a pioneering, survivor-led, advocacy, support and research organization, working exclusively on behalf of survivors and care providers under the age of 40. Its mission is to end isolation and improve quality of life for young adults affected by cancer.