Today is our 20th wedding anniversary. Karen and I have a wonderful life together. Given the circumstances, I would love to be able to jump into a time machine and go back to that apartment in Kirkland, WA when we started out our life in 1992. What a great life we had even though we had no money. We just didn’t realize how wonderful it was.
We are celebrating our anniversary with Karen still in a hospital bed, on oxygen, etc. She has very few moments of comprehension. Most of the time she speaks in gibberish. It is difficult to determine what she needs and/or wants. She frequently moans, gasps, or grunts. What a way to spend a 20th wedding anniversary.
I am holding it together because I have to. Yes I continue to eat right, exercise, and not abuse substances. Sleep on the other hand is very difficult. I go to bed around 8 pm and craw out of bed around 6 am. That may seem like a lot of sleep, but the reality is I get up every couple of hours to give Karen liquid morpheme. At various times throughout the day and night I need to give Karen morpheme pills and anxiety medication. In addition frequent checks on Karen to see if she needs water or other forms of comforting. So in actuality I’m getting 5 to 6 hours of shallow interrupted sleep. I’ll take what I can get. It is difficult to get deep sleep when I am hearing moans, gasps, and grunts from my beloved wife. It is even harder to shut off the mind when you are waiting for the last breath.
I try to work as much as I can to help distract my mind. But it is difficult not to think about the end that is coming.