Well I think the combination of steroids and sleeping aids are making me crazy! At least I hope that's what it is, because if not, I'm definitely heading for the loony bin. Just been feeling doomed and hopeless. Aggravated at everyone and everything. Why won't people leave me alone, and why aren't they calling, don't they care? All at the same time! I'm also feeling quite fatigued ... I guess due to the radiation? And probably exacerbated by the lack of good solid sleep. Every activity seems to take an awful lot out of me. I'm trying to be happy with the littlest of accomplishments, as far as stuff around the house and running errands and such. Feeling like I'm unable to handle my own life right now.
So with much purpose, I will leave out my whining and complaining, and I will outline some of the blessings I've received this past week...
My worries about how in the world I was going to handle a new treatment regimen in the coming weeks, alone, since Danny now has a job outside the Pink Ribbon Shop (more on that later ... remember, I am concentrating on the positives this post) has been addressed by my wonderful sister-in-law, Lisa. Danny's brother Dwayne is in the Coast Guard, and is stationed in Slidell, LA. As God would have it, Dwayne has been assigned to a temporary position here in the Houston area, about 1 1/2 hours from us. Lisa is able to stay with him in the hotel, and has offered to accompany me to my clinic visits, at least while Dwayne is still here in TX, since Danny will have to be working. This has taken a tremendous load off my shoulders! It is the unknown that is the hardest part. After I complete radiation at this week's end, I will be starting on one of 2 treatments: either a clinical trial or a new chemotherapy drug. After much deliberation and discussion (thanks also to Lisa for providing some clarity on the decision-making, as well) I've decided to pursue the clinical trial (again, more on that later.) The clinical trial that Dr. Coscio has in mind for me will require me to go to the downtown main campus of MDA -- a more inconvenient and longer drive than my weekly chemo's to the MDA Woodland's location. I wasn't keen on going alone because firstly, it's going to be a totally new treatment to me and I don't know what side effects to expect. Secondly, I don't trust my current state of mind, or my chemobrain, to "get" everything I'm supposed to. Just looking at the schedule alone of the testing, med administration, etc of the clinical trial made my eyes glaze over and overwhelmed me, which is why I initially said "no, I can't do this." But with Lisa able to go with me, I feel much better about it! God's timing is definitely at work here, and for that I am thankful.
Last weekend, my other brother-in-law, Darryl, celebrated his 50th birthday with a family/friends crawfish boil. I love boiled crawfish! Our family usually gets together a few times a year during crawfish season, and it's always a good time. For the past couple of seasons, I've been unable to peel my own crawfish, due to the fingernail issues caused by Abraxane. Although I love the taste of crawfish, it is disheartening to have to have someone else peel your food for you, like a child! Well this time, since my fingers have healed up, I peeled my own crawfish! Woot! So I was able to have the whole crawfish boil "experience"! Ahh, the little victories, right?
Last week, a band mom friend of ours provided a gift card to one of our local pizza places. Our family took advantage of that, pronto! We love pizza. It was nice to get out and not have to worry about cooking or cleaning. And this week, Bethany's friend Tyler's mom provided us with a home-cooked meal of pot roast complete with vegetables and gravy! That fed our family for 2 dinners and there's more leftover for at least an extra lunch or two. These little gestures really mean a lot to us, and so practical too! I continue to receive offers of help from others, too, and it may be time, soon, for me to learn to be more accepting of the help. And be more specific as to how they can help.
It is times like these, when I am personally at my lowest, that I feel like God is truly the only thing holding me up and keeping me going. I am glad that at least today, I can see His hands reflected in the people who are present in our lives.