I have been having a very difficult time with my appearance.
I tried some bathing suits on today and when I first looked in the mirror I was appalled! I was ugly! That thing was not me! For one creepy moment I panicked inside and wanted to run. Run to where? I have no idea but I did not want to be where I was. OMG. I felt like I was looking into one of those circus mirrors that morph you into something abnormal but I was stuck there in that mirror. The horror.
I am glad I had a therapist session right after that mind bender because I was seriously at loose ends. He said I am expecting too much too soon and to not look for awhile. So I guess I need to dig deep for some more patience and avoid mirrors? (He did say a lot of good things but it doesn't change what I see in the mirror.)
I hate what chemo and cancer have done to me physically and emotionally. I hate it. I have looked up breast reconstruction and it's not pretty. So many scars. And there is no going back. Only more scars.
I feel trapped. I have to sit on my hands and wait. Wait for my body to heal. My hair to grow. My eyelashes and eyebrows to fill in. My breast reconstruction. My energy and taste buds to return. I still have to endure radiation and wonder how that treatment will screw up my body. Tamoxifen? I am not so sure. 5 years of some not-so-nice side effects. I might just wait on that crap until I feel better adjusted. I don't care what the doctors say. I have had enough.
Most days I am good. But some days the harsh reality hits me full face and I lose my breath. Sucker punched. Can't seem to right my self.
The doctors should be more honest and say right from the start: 'We are going to try to get rid of the cancer in your body but first we must strip you bare of all vanity and appearance, slice off your breast, add many scars, make you so sick and tired you'll crawl in a corner and howl like a dog. We'll burn you and dig at you and keep dishing out more. We'll pump you with poisons and mess with your brain. Then at the end of all this we will nudge you to the curb just a mere shell of who you were but you will now be (maybe) cancer free.
Susie sent me another perfect card which said: "Right now you're in the place between the way things were and the way things are yet to be."
Where did I go? I really want to love & accept that person in the mirror that scares and disgusts me right now. I have a lot of work ahead of me to do that. And that pisses me off too. I have had enough.
I know I should be happy I have no cancer (maybe) - not unhappy I have 1 less breast. And blah, blah, blah. And most times I am but some days are ugly and the despair is dark and deep and I cry for the loss. I quietly scream.
I tried some bathing suits on today and when I first looked in the mirror I was appalled! I was ugly! That thing was not me! For one creepy moment I panicked inside and wanted to run. Run to where? I have no idea but I did not want to be where I was. OMG. I felt like I was looking into one of those circus mirrors that morph you into something abnormal but I was stuck there in that mirror. The horror.
I am glad I had a therapist session right after that mind bender because I was seriously at loose ends. He said I am expecting too much too soon and to not look for awhile. So I guess I need to dig deep for some more patience and avoid mirrors? (He did say a lot of good things but it doesn't change what I see in the mirror.)
I hate what chemo and cancer have done to me physically and emotionally. I hate it. I have looked up breast reconstruction and it's not pretty. So many scars. And there is no going back. Only more scars.
I feel trapped. I have to sit on my hands and wait. Wait for my body to heal. My hair to grow. My eyelashes and eyebrows to fill in. My breast reconstruction. My energy and taste buds to return. I still have to endure radiation and wonder how that treatment will screw up my body. Tamoxifen? I am not so sure. 5 years of some not-so-nice side effects. I might just wait on that crap until I feel better adjusted. I don't care what the doctors say. I have had enough.
Most days I am good. But some days the harsh reality hits me full face and I lose my breath. Sucker punched. Can't seem to right my self.
The doctors should be more honest and say right from the start: 'We are going to try to get rid of the cancer in your body but first we must strip you bare of all vanity and appearance, slice off your breast, add many scars, make you so sick and tired you'll crawl in a corner and howl like a dog. We'll burn you and dig at you and keep dishing out more. We'll pump you with poisons and mess with your brain. Then at the end of all this we will nudge you to the curb just a mere shell of who you were but you will now be (maybe) cancer free.
Susie sent me another perfect card which said: "Right now you're in the place between the way things were and the way things are yet to be."
Where did I go? I really want to love & accept that person in the mirror that scares and disgusts me right now. I have a lot of work ahead of me to do that. And that pisses me off too. I have had enough.
I know I should be happy I have no cancer (maybe) - not unhappy I have 1 less breast. And blah, blah, blah. And most times I am but some days are ugly and the despair is dark and deep and I cry for the loss. I quietly scream.
It has been a tough day.
L