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***Today was a Good Day****

Posted Feb 10 2010 5:28pm

Yes~~~ Today was a good day.

I had an ultrasound assisted needle aspiration on my left breast today which confirmed the lump in my left breast was just a benign cyst. {long deep sigh}

I went in to the breast care center this morning, undressed from the waist up and donned the requisite hospital gown, open in the front.

As I was waiting for the doctor, technician and nurse to come into the room I tried to calm my nerves. Nerves that had been building since that day two weeks ago when I first felt the small lump in my left breast and my mind screamed: "what if it's cancer?"

The moment I felt that lump my entire being froze. All the ugly dark cancer crap came rushing back and flooded my brain and being. Whooosh.

A lump! Oh shit! No way! WTF! Not again.

I tried to calm myself down with rational thoughts: I just had a mamo in November and it showed clean. I just had a breast exam from my surgeon in December and she didn't feel anything. Probably a cyst or fibroidnoma. A cancer lump would not grow to the size of a pea in 2 months!!

So that is what I have been telling myself for two weeks. 14 days. 14 nights. Trying not to think bad thoughts. I didn't tell anyone but Steve. I didn't want to worry anyone unless it was cancer.

Dr Pegg believed it was most likely a cyst or glandular problem given the bleeding I had last month and my hormones being all over the place. His logic made sense and eased some of my fear.

But not all of it. Not that little tiny voice that would say: "what if it is cancer again?"

I kept that scary voice tiny, a whisper, barely audible, by continually telling myself the facts all pointed to the lump being a harmless cyst. Over and over. I kept the tiny voice that wanted to scream - a whisper.

I would reach down at least a dozen times a day and feel the lump. Yup - it was still there. I kept hoping I would reach down and the lump would be gone. That would be the proof it was a cyst. I could finally erase that tiny voice. The one that kept me a little wound up. A little on edge. On the verge of stress. Always there. "What if?"

The not knowing is the tough part. The waiting and waiting for an answer is torture. Even if you believe it is a cyst.......that "what if" is always there. Like a nagging wife. An itch you can't scratch. A problem you can't solve.

Steve took me to the breast care center on Monday for a mamo and ultrasound. The appointment went smoothly and I even watched the screen as the tech did the ultrasound and saw the black circle on the screen. A solid black circular image almost always means a cyst since fluid throws a dark shadow. If the mass is solid it appears muddy gray like your tissue.

The radiologist even said it was probably a benign cyst but wanted to do a needle aspiration to confirm because of my breast cancer history. Lucky for me they had an opening today at 11. Two more days of waiting.

I was glad I only had to wait 2 more days. Better than 2 more weeks. The breast care center is always over-booked. So many women going in and out all day and some leaving with life altering mind bending news. Bless the people who work there day in and day out. Their patience, support, and loving natures are truly amazing. I am so humbled by there dedication. And my heart aches for the women that are told it may be cancer or it is cancer.

So there I was today. Waiting for the nurse, doctor and tech to come into the room. Trying to calm myself down. This was it. After two weeks of waiting and obsessing I would get to delete that obsessive tiny whisper. One way or the other.

The procedure didn't take long. I laid down facing the monitor and the tech found the lump again with the ultrasound and marked the spot.

The doctor gave me a small shot to numb the skin then a deep shot. It barely hurt. {big sigh here}

Next she inserted the needle into the breast and into what I like to call the black hole. That is what the lump looked like on the monitor anyway. I watched the gray needle go into the black hole and as the syringe was pulled I saw the black hole deflate and disappear. Gone! Zip! Nada!

It was a cyst!

We all smiled and yipped and celebrated. It was just a cyst.

Instantly the tiny voice disappeared. The stress vanished. The "what if" answered. My entire being released all that tension that had been quietly building for 2 weeks. I felt the atmosphere shift with my release.

I am sitting here with my tiny bandage on my lump-less breast and I am thinking:

Yes~~~Today was one heck of a good day.

Thank you Steve for being there through yet another drama in my life. Albeit a tiny drama with a happy ending but you were right there. {{{hug}}}


L
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