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This Feeling...

Posted Feb 17 2010 7:11pm

Alhamdulillah. The feeling is good. The knee pain is minimal. When walking is brisk and easy, it's the wholesome happiness for me. One word to summarize: Alhamdulillah.... (Praise and grace is to Allah)

I am back to work after a good 4-day break. To be able to visit relatives and throw away their worries about me as they heard me saying: 'InsyaAllah I'll be alright' is comforting. Yes, I worry that my condition worries you all and them. My heart at times tells me to stop relaying and conveying my condition to my readers. It is like: What's new anyway, she's having cancer and many said scientifically no absolute cure is found for cancer. Maybe the cancer is sleeping for many many years but it is never 'put to sleep'.

Many times I wrote a paragraph and it remains a paragraph. It is stuck. It is left for many days incompleted. In between the guilt and the anxiety to write, it is still there remaining incomplete and unfinished.

Today, I write something new. That incomplete paragraphs remains as drafts. Today I write something fresh not from the remnants of something left behind. Today I write about my condition still because I am reminded by a small voice in me to continue updating my brothers and sisters about my health. It is maybe of something that is expected but writing has given me sort of an avenue to release my concerns and relief me of my burdening fear and worries. Part of the sharing. Part of understanding the feeling of a survivor and a patient. In the name of Allah, I am writing not to seek sympathy even though that may come together as empathy fits in. My objective is Lillaahi Ta'ala, if it benefits many, Allah will shower me with the passion to continue writing, InsyaAllah.

I feel good to see the blackened and darkened skin tone on my hands is slowly fading and my hands are returning to its normal colour. I feel good to see the nails are no longer hard and bruised. When I told many people about this chemo side effect, many would retort that it is just the colour, as long as I am agile that's nothing. Yes, it is the same thing that I would tell myself too everytime the feeling is sinking down to its lowest level seeing the skin gets darkened and the fingers are numb and tight. As days passed by, and the changes got worsened, the feeling sank even farther.

Everyday, I cajoled and coaxed myself to think positively. Everyday, it is hard to embed the positivity when the feeling sank too deep. Yet, God is loving indeed, when I thought I am going to be drown in my own helpless thoughts, He tells my heart to speak louder than my mind. To still be grateful that I have my hands. These palms only change colours and are restricted to movement but they are able to be put together everytime I forward my supplication. These palms can still feel everytime I touch. These hands can still do my tasks despite its limitation.

When I am beaten with this test of life, I need to have something to hold on. I am deeply thanking Allah that He has always protected me from falling into the denial phase and never let my anger to conquer my rational and my belief. The physical-appearance and/or ability is always the first thing people see. The more frail we look, the more devastating people see us. That devastating look in their eyes are adding to the sinking feeling of the patient. That makes sometimes sick people don't want to have visitors.

I learnt along this more-downs-than-ups journey that this is my path pre-written for me. God selects those who can carry this test without unfair judgement. He knows the best of His servants' capabilities. If He is sure of us why are we-the inflicted and chosen ones, must be upset and angry? People can have 1001 reasons to tell why someone is inflicted with such a test but to me it is God's prevaling choice. His prerogative of whom can shoulder this battle. God is testing all of us in the many types and forms of tests. It can be in the form of bounty or reward. It can be of mishap or problems of life. It can be from anything sweet to anything bitter. It can cover joy and sorrow. It is how we see it and where it is taking us - from God's path, especially.

Since walking and tumbling on this not-preferred road, I have learnt that God never leaves an eyesight of His servant who always seek refuge in Him. No matter how bad our situation is, He is always taking care of us, as long as we remember Him. That deep serenity always take me to answer: InsyaAllah I'll be alright. I am deeply thanking Allah that He lets me learn to include sujud syukur in my prayers. Doing so gives deep peacefulness. There are so many bounties I get in life that reminded me to always be grateful with what I am getting. Many times the pain let the tears stream down my cheeks, yet, my times I learn of many things because of the pain. SubhanaAllah... He is Ar-Rahmaan, Ar-Raheem.

When we are falling, look up to learn to get up.

And today, when the pain is almost non-existing and the feeling is calm and serene, why wouldn't I be more thankful to God?

Which of the many bounty must I deny? Astaghfirullah...

To all of you, Barakallaahu fikum...thank you for the brotherhood, thank you for the unwavenring support, thank you for always wanting to listen.

"Ya Allah, rahmatilah pembaca blog ini dan setiap mereka yang mendoakanku, sihatkan ia, ampunilah dosa-dosanya, berkatilah amalannya, janganlah Engkau balikkan hatinya setelah Engkau beri petunjuk dan hidayah kepadanya dan ya Allah masukkanlah ia dan keluarganya kedalam syurga FirdausMu serta jauhkanlah ia dan keluarganya dari azab nerakaMu. Sesungguhnya ya Allah, hanya kepada Engkau kami sembah dan hanya kepada Engkau sahajalah kami meminta pertolongan. Ya Allah jika rezeki sahabat dan saudara-saudaraku ini masih diatas langit, turunkanlah ia, jika rezekinya di dalam bumi, keluarkanlah ia, jika rezekinya jauh, dekatkanlah ia, jika rezekinya haram, sucikanlah ia dan jika rezekinya sukar, Engkau permudahkanlah ia. Ya Allah kurniakanlah kepada kami segala kebaikan yang Engkau kurniakan kepada hamba-hamba Mu yang soleh.... Amiin"

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