Well, I must say, this is a strange time. I feel on the edge of something brand new, but find myself being pulled away by the voices in my head. I find myself restless and itching to try new things, but it feels almost...dare I say it...self indulgent. Since this blog is the closest that I've come to self indulgence, this is a new for me.
I suck at it. ******************** I find that there are things that I am dissatisfied with in my life. Yesterday it ocurred to me: "So change them." My knee jerk, immediate response was a shocked "I can't do that!" followed by 'Why not?" and the voices of others begin to tell me why. These voices are so ingrained after 50 years that it is hard to tell where I leave off and they begin. I'm asking myself why a lot, and it surprises me that the answers are very often not in my voice, but in the voices of others. ******************** Who are the others? My gruff father. My martyr mother. Grandparents, relatives, things that I've seen, or things that I've simply come to accept as truth. I blew out of here like my ass was on fire as a young woman. After I left, life burned me pretty badly. I returned home because home seemed like a good and safe place to raise children. Those children are now raised, and it is time for Tim and I to pull our dreams off the shelf where we carefully put them years ago. There was no time for our dreams...we were busy trying to raise up our children to realize their own. And now I'm looking at our dreams, and, surprisingly, I find that there is a huge resistance in me to trying new because I'm afraid to be burned. I've been playing it safe, and to step out and try new seems dangerous as well as self indulgent. ******************** So here I sit, navel gazing. I'm not depressed. I'm surprised a lot. I'm not sorry that my life was given over to my children. It's what a mother does, and if you can't put your children first, you've got no business having them. Sorry for my bluntness, but self indulgent parents raise self indulgent kids, and we're dealing with the fallout from that in America. My children are raised, and it is time for me, and it is time for Tim. While Tim seems able to move on to other things without a backward glance, I stew and fret and feel as if I am flirting with disaster. I feel ashamed and guilty as I think of actually spending money on myself. ********************* It will all come right, after I sort through this muddle, figure out what things I'm doing because I want to, and what things I'm doing because I have to. Or because I've always done it that way. Or because I've always been told to do it that way. I guess this is what is called finding your 'authentic self'. It's actually a little embarrassing. Whenever I heard others talking about things like this, I always sneered a little.
********************
I find that there are things that I am dissatisfied with in my life. Yesterday it ocurred to me: "So change them." My knee jerk, immediate response was a shocked "I can't do that!" followed by 'Why not?" and the voices of others begin to tell me why. These voices are so ingrained after 50 years that it is hard to tell where I leave off and they begin. I'm asking myself why a lot, and it surprises me that the answers are very often not in my voice, but in the voices of others.
********************
Who are the others? My gruff father. My martyr mother. Grandparents, relatives, things that I've seen, or things that I've simply come to accept as truth. I blew out of here like my ass was on fire as a young woman. After I left, life burned me pretty badly. I returned home because home seemed like a good and safe place to raise children. Those children are now raised, and it is time for Tim and I to pull our dreams off the shelf where we carefully put them years ago. There was no time for our dreams...we were busy trying to raise up our children to realize their own. And now I'm looking at our dreams, and, surprisingly, I find that there is a huge resistance in me to trying new because I'm afraid to be burned. I've been playing it safe, and to step out and try new seems dangerous as well as self indulgent.
********************
So here I sit, navel gazing. I'm not depressed. I'm surprised a lot. I'm not sorry that my life was given over to my children. It's what a mother does, and if you can't put your children first, you've got no business having them. Sorry for my bluntness, but self indulgent parents raise self indulgent kids, and we're dealing with the fallout from that in America. My children are raised, and it is time for me, and it is time for Tim. While Tim seems able to move on to other things without a backward glance, I stew and fret and feel as if I am flirting with disaster. I feel ashamed and guilty as I think of actually spending money on myself.
*********************
It will all come right, after I sort through this muddle, figure out what things I'm doing because I want to, and what things I'm doing because I have to. Or because I've always done it that way. Or because I've always been told to do it that way. I guess this is what is called finding your 'authentic self'. It's actually a little embarrassing. Whenever I heard others talking about things like this, I always sneered a little.