First it attacked the body. And the mind was still strong, solid. Then the body started to feel unbearable. The twitchings became excruciating. The throbbing pressed prickling sensations on it too. Then the mind got troubled. Pangs of sadness swept. Combined with the troubled mind, these are doses of negative energy.
I'm talking about me. The pain and aches on my back and legs are slowly taking away the positive mood in me. Some issues in the office are not lessening my situation. In fact, they aggravate my down mood. Even now I'm thinking about leaving this job. This morning I even cautioned MH about my decision. He said: Ok, if you decide that. Rezeki Allah yang tentukan, we'll brace this.
Been persuading myself to have more zikirs and to think positively. But again, with this pain, it is so, so difficult to push myself! Oh God... help me!
I have gotten some reactions from people that this situation indicates that I'm not doing good enough for my body. That I haven't done this or that. That I haven't taken what they are taking. Maybe their intention is good but the words thrown at me sounded more like they are judging me. Why? Is it because I don't do what they do or eat what they eat? I'm beginning to feel sore and tired with such remarks.
A couple of weeks ago, I even got verbal remarks pertaining to my body size. The fact that I'm battling with cancer in this body size... maybe they are thinking that I should be skinny and frail. So what they see is not what they think and they become confuse... Is this woman really in trouble? Maybe that's what they are thinking.
I always projected a good mood because I believe when the mood is okay, the mind will follow suit. But off late, it's been difficult projecting a good mood. This is like having a storm and the sea can't stay calm!
"Ya Allah, kurniakanlah aku lisan yang lembut sentiasa basah mengingatiMu dan meneyebut namaMU, hati yang penuh segar mensyukuri nikmat-nikmatMu walaupun sakit ini begitu payah bagiku, berilah aku sedikit kekuatanMu padaku Ya Robb... amiin."