It was the big day yesterday as the doctor had received my PET CT Scan report from Putrajaya hospital. This time the urgency mattered most so I was called in as my file was found. MH and I entered the room and the doctor showed us the printed films that highlighted the flaring of the cancers. How was my reaction to it?
I was very calm this time. We both did. One by one the doctor explained which flaring referred to which part of the body. There is one very hot flaring in the liver, which all of us expected already. No size was mention and the doctor explained that PET CT Scan doesn't really measure sizes of cancers but more of its hot spots in SUV term (the reading for its hotness). The liver is flaring hot at 17.3 and another cancer was picked up at the layer that overlays the liver and the spleen with SUV reading of 10 plus. So there is another critical issue about the liver as the cancer cells have stemmed in and out of the liver.
One cancer was highlighted in the chest wall with SUV 7.5 and I told the doctor, it explained the short of breath and the pressuring sensation I always feel nowadays with incessant slicing and sharp pain like I used to experience way back in 2008. And two more cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes in the stomach. This also another explanation of why I have pain when I eat dinner. Most of the time I have to stop having dinner or anything I eat by 7pm.
I told the doctor about the back pain but she said no cancers were picked up in the scanning and the bone scan indicated I am free of bone cancer too so there is a possibility that it is caused by other thing. The doctor asked if I want to do the chemo and I asked her back if there is any chance of not doing it at the moment. Our concern was the children. We do not want them to be so affected especially the eldest one since this year he is facing his PMR exam. I told the doctor that I know my eldest may not be the smartest kid in his class but I want him to have his peace of mind and focus doing the exam. I had seen how he was badly affected in his UPSR when I was undergoing the chemo at that time.
I was very calm when we talked about the cancer spread but I was not calm anymore when we talked about the children. I felt so sad with the spreading because this time I know it will my little one that is going to face the biggest hurdle. To him, my agility is an indication that I am alright that I am not 'damaged' by the cancer. He really shows his concerns to me off late. At one time that I felt sick a few weeks back, he insisted that he would only eat as he spoon-fed me. He would sit near my legs and always rested his head on my legs. Sometime to shake them to make sure that I reacted back - an indication that I am still alive.
So the doctor agreed that we hold back the chemo treatment and I asked her if I can try any other ways of some complementary medicine. She told me at this point of time just go ahead, since we almost exhausted our means with chemo (not many drug left and even then there is no guarantee it will give the needed treatment). My cancer has the character of an aggressive type. Robust and easily building its immunity to drugs. With the withholding, the doctor suggested that I take Aromasin at least we try to curb its growth and I will her my doctor month by month as she wants to see my physical progress or decline. In 3 months, we will do another scanning. I am going to refer myself at the Traditional and Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. The juices can continue. So are the supplementary foods, the Noni, the Brazillia Murell Mushroom, The Mahogany fruit, the Pecah Beling, the habbatussawda, the Keladi Tikus,the Hempedu Bumi and some others.
Was I felt that all my efforts are useless? No, I was not feeling that way. I understood that the result is the best given for me. It is hard to explain how I can stay calm like today. I have accepted all these and only Allah is the one who can give me such peaceful feeling. Allah gave me a spoonful of hardship in 2004 and increased the dose in 2008 and increased the dose in 2009 and increased the dose in 2010. All is about the determination to face the hardship head-on and not running away from it. Anyway, I don't have anywhere to run. God gave me this sickness so when all efforts I tried seemed not to work and I have kept saying I accepted all these tests, it is not an indicator that I can now stop all efforts and focus only at praying or having a build-in cave on my praying mat.
It is not about that. Redha and Tawakkal comes after efforts. Those don't stand alone. It is not part of the Ikhtiar. The DUIT concept of Doa, Usaha, Ikhtiar and Tawakkal works well with asking for guidance from Allah, asking for forgiveness from Allah (Doa-supplication), then find ways to cure or ease the hardship (Usaha), if one way is not working be reasourceful and try to find other ways like for example if you are sick you see a doctor but the fever doesn't go away so you change doctor and try a diffreent medicine, that is ikhtiar and after all those are done we submit our efforts to Allah and pray that one of the ways is the right one and give all matters to Allah for Allah is the best administrator of all our matters. the DUIT concept is wholesome effort not an independent of each other. In fact Doa must be all the way as you reach the U, the I and the T.
Allah is with us. He is watching how we react to this tribulation. I have no more regrets that despite all efforts the cancers are still in body, not only staying but spreading. Don't I cry? Yes I still cry especially when I forward my forgiveness to God. How I may become a forgetful servant and how sometimes I become laghaa with all temptations. I learn to cleanse my heart and I really feel the guilt that it is still not purify because of the anger and sadness battling the menopausal syndrome or the pain. O Allah...I am truly seeking your forgiveness... please forgive me... ameen...
Life is terminally short for me now. I really want to savour, enjoy and appreciate each moment I have. I am still firmly holding that in matter between life and death there is, there is always HOPE.
My hope is still as high as the Everest Mountain and as wide as the spread of the horizon. I am deeply blessed to be able to get up every morning, do the breakfast, tend to my garden, walk a bit here and there and handle the pain with ease... Alhamdulillah, for Allah is the one that makes all those possible.
Dear brothers and sisters, you have known my condition. It is more bitter than sweet. Let's all pray it will be sweet at the end. It will be easy. It will be calming and I am showered with strength and courage... I have been blessed because of your prayers and I know it is only with prayers I have come so far feeling more peaceful and calm even though I have not received joy and good news.
If you still want to walk with me, please do. If still want to hold my hands, please do. If you still want to lend me your shoulders, I need many. I appreciate each friendship and the love you all send, they are priceless. I still feel I can't thank you enough.
Only God knows and I seek His Mercy and Love to grant all of the abundant goodness, wellness, blessings and good returns in all your help and assistance.
'I seek no strength but your strength Ya Robb. It will be hard bumpy road after this and I may tumble often. Give me Your strength and courage to get up and smile. Don't make me crumble. Hold me in Your Love. Hold me in Your Mercy. Hold me in Your Forgiveness. Ameen'