Side Effects

Back in the beginning of this latest chapter, it amused me to no end that everytime I turned around, I had someone wanting to write me a prescription for Ativan. Here's the deal. I don't take a lot of medication. I'm not sure why, but I end up with side effects. For instance, one of the times I turned down Ativan, I did say that what I needed was something to help me sleep sometimes, that my mind seemed to slip into gear the minute I layed me down to sleep. I would get up in the morning exhausted and half sick. Everything seems much worse when you are tired, every ache, every pain. Molehills become mountains. So I asked for, and got, Ambien. And lo: it was good. For about two weeks. Then the stuff built up in my system. I got up one night, walked to the bathroom. I was not feeling well, but suddenly, at the stop of the stairwell, I got this overwhelming feeling that I was being sucked down the stairwell. I did a little shriek, hugged the wall, felt stupid, but by the morning, could not move my eyeballs, or turn my head without being so dizzy I nearly threw up. And I stayed on the ground floor far away from stairs. Back into the doctor, who gave me something for vertigo, and back home. Within 24 hours, I was markedly better, 36 hours back to normal. I made up my mind then that I should simply avoid whatever medication I could avoid, keep my system as 'pure' as possible, despite chemo, despite the pre -chemo cocktails to make sure that I don't throw up, despite the post -chemo drugs to make sure I don't throw up. It works pretty well. Although I am nauseous a lot, I don't throw up. I consider this bonus. One of the anti-emetics is Ativan, an anti-anxiety medicine. I'm supposed to take it every 8 hours. I simply don't. I'm not anxious, and the Emend and the compazine have taken care of the post chemo problems.

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The first six weeks went okay. This past week, I've discovered that I'm a bitch. Really awful. Everything annoys me. Noise. Christmas planning. (Bob B: Take note! This is not my normal nature.) I was sharpish with my family. I was weepy to the nth degree. Instead of looking at people in my church and thinking 'they don't know what to say' when they said unhelpful comments, it irritated me, although I managed to bite back the harsh words. I was perfectly awful, and could barely stand myself. I just felt jangly, for lack of a better word. Yesterday was the worst. Tim and I argued about the Christmas tree. I was being unreasonable. I knew it. I was trying to make myself stop, and couldn't. So I did the only reasonable thing. I fell all completely to pieces apologizing for myself. I also blew the dust off the Ativan bottle, and I began taking it every 8 hours just like the bottle said.

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I'm better today. I can already feel the difference. I've apologized to everyone. If any of my posts seemed out of charactor and extraordinarily 'whinging', I apologize to you as well.