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Rising from the Ashes

Posted Sep 02 2009 5:50pm
This has been a fucking wild summer. Or year. Or two years. Anyway, I just crave "normal"; I've forgotten what life without medical or legal professionals looks like.

September 11th is an infamous day, and this year it's even more so because it's the first four-way meeting between me, H, and our two lawyers. We've opted for the collaborative law approach to divorce, whereby we try to iron things out amicably for the sake of the kids and ourselves, rather than tear each other to shreds via regular divorce proceedings. This approach is good because it forces me to step outside myself and my bitterness and pain, and try to imagine a life of civility and compassion for myself and the kids. It forces me to be a good role model for them.

This whole divorce thing and the whole cancer thing have really transformed how I approach relationships and interactions with people. In the wake of the chaos, I find myself oddly grounded. Perhaps it's a blessing that H and his girlfriend have seemed, in my opinion, to have no respect for my emotional and psychological process in terms of dealing with the infidelity and sense of betrayal. The attitude that I have been getting is "your pain is your problem; you either deal with it and move on, or you don't." Sounds callous, doesn't it? Yes, well, that's how having cancer was kind of like. The cancer wasn't going to stop for me to accept its terms. It kept on going and going and going despite me. I think being taken to the extremes in terms of dealing with life has brought me to this blessed moment of strength and compassion. In fact, I think of the tarot card for "Strength"--a woman is gently prying open the jaws of a lion, who indeed submits. This image resonates with me right now.

Look, life is full of blessings and is too short to dwell on supposed curses. I have two beautiful children, I have friends and family who are there for me, I fucking met and hung out with New Kids on the Block. . .in a way, that's way more than I could have ever dreamt of in life, and I know that there's more good stuff to come. I've begun the tattoo process for my phoenix and dragon (Chloe and Mylo's Chinese-Vietnamese names) tattoos, and my nipple tattooing is scheduled for the beginning of October. I'm re-drawing and -creating my life; and it is beautiful.
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