Surgery is set for 7:30 tomorrow morning. Must be there by 6:15. This is a good thing - less time to worry and fret.
Started coming back down to reality yesterday morning when I awoke in my cozy Minnesota hotel room and realized the mini vacation was over and I had to come home and face the ugliness again. Not a good morning for me. I kept crying uncontrollably as I got ready for my departure. All the crying left me exhausted and foggy for the rest of the day. (It felt good crying out some of my fear though.) Luckily I didn't have to do much but get to the airport, wait for my flight and fly home. Was very grateful Joanie was with me.
I hired a housecleaning service. They came yesterday for the first time while I was heading home from MN. I will have them come every two weeks while I go through this whole treatment phase. I am pretty anal about my house and cleanliness so I hope they keep up to my standards. LOL
I am nervous and afraid of the surgery tomorrow.
Will probably need an Ativan for sleep tonight.
Wondering how much discomfort I will be feeling when I come out of the anesthesia? How my chest will feel? I am sure I'll be bound up pretty tight for the first 5 days and will have the drain hanging out of the right side. How difficult will it be to go pee? To move around? Get off the bed? How will I feel emotionally? Even though I won't be able to see my one breasted chest will I still feel the loss? YES - I think so. I am feeling a loss already. A sense of impending doom.
A piece of my self being stripped away.
When all this craziness is said and done who will be left? Do I want to face my naked self? Will I like who I see? Scarey Crazy Stuff!
It's been gloomy, gray and rainy all day ~ matches my mood. And the fact it's 9/11 today has not gone unnoticed.
I also have my first chemodate.
October 9th @ 8:50AM.
Guess it's good it's in the early morning......don't think my nerves could handle waiting all day!
The chemo scares me more than the surgery.
Just one thing after another.
I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel dammit! A speck? A fizzle? A single ray? This has been going on for awhile now already. I found the lump back in the Spring and now it's Fall and am still facing another surgery. Missed the whole summer. Cancer clouds everything. Permeates every fiber of my being, daily life, schedule, calendar, future. A big ugly beast.
I'll be okay. I know I will. I can feel it within my soul. Deep inside. Past the fear. Past the unknown. Past all these tumultuous emotions. I'll get through it. It's a small feeling. Tiny but still there.
I can picture it like a life preserver in the midst of a rocking sea. I shall hold on to that circle of hope . I may not be able to touch bottom or see the shore in the distance but I will still cling to the circle of hope knowing it will bring me to shore when the time is right. A different she than is me right now but I will make it.