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My Self-Image and Trying To Come To Terms With It

Posted Aug 13 2009 7:49pm
I always had a very poor self-image about my body all my life. I have tended to be overweight. The only part of my body that I really and truly liked and accepted were my breasts. They were quite nice. I was a 38D and I did not mind showing them off occasionally. I also had nice nipples, light pink. My breasts were sensual and erotic and very, very pleasurable sexually. I was devastated at my initial diagnosis, but accepted the lumpectomy, believing that it would get better. However, it became increasingly apparent that a mastectomy was adamantly mandatory. And while I can accept that it was medically necessary, I am having a terrible time coming to grips with the personal aesthetics. I try not to look at myself in the mirror, or just looking down. When I do, I just burst into torrents of tears. I now consider myself to be ugly, disfigured and deformed and I hate it. I am definitely going to get the other cut off too. After being taped up so long and everything, it is flattened out and ugly too, so I might just as well have a "boy chest". I am trying hard to come to terms with this, and sometimes I think I actually have it conquered, then, BAM!!! I am knocked down again. Will I ever truly accept it?? My aunt had cancer and opted for a double mastectomy. She seemed to live with it okay. I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I'm just venting my feelings and frustrations. It feels better to get it out in the open than to struggle privately, holding back the tears.
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