The last few months have had a frightening effect on my overall positive attitude. Too much news about my cancer’s progression, sad eyes from those delivering the news and the recognition that my cancer has changed from a slow-growing type to a more aggressive type have all taken a toll while being in the hospital and at home with many crises.
I am home now and appreciating every moment of it. Feeling like I can breathe freely for the first time in a while is truly awesome, though reality reminds me that it can change in a moment. Too often this occurs with mets. Too often I have felt I was having a good day only to end up in the hospital by the end of the day. Still, I am working hard at ignoring the feelings of that tingly fear that grips so tightly at moments one feels like breathing is difficult. I am doing all I can to distract myself from the discomforts of this disease and concentrating on the delights of living and being at home with the love of my life.
Today I did a single chore with the bathroom sink and felt myself rejoicing in that accomplishment. I think: one chore today, two tomorrow and so on. I look forward to growing in strength and being able to regain some of my former ability to do things around the housemaybe cook or bake. Yesterday we went to a movie, and I walked a bit (always with my walker, of course) and felt quite empowered, though exhausted afterward. Doing. That always seems to make me feel as though I am improving. Lying in bed just does not cut it, frankly, and, physically speaking, it makes one weaker and one’s breathing harder because the lungs cannot expand as they do when you are sitting upright, or, better, standing, or, best, walking.
Today my goal is thinking only about the good aspects of my life and, well, doing. Doing something. Doing anything. Simply doing. It makes me feel better and certainly more normal, whatever that means.