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Level Out

Posted Aug 23 2008 10:44pm
Will this post resonate with you? For some it will. For some it won't. It's written in sympathy for the people in the first group.

I no longer feel as though I'm dying. I BELIEVE I am well today. I didn't convince myself. I've never been able to force myself, through sheer will, to believe something. After I was diagnosed, well meaning assurances that I would be okay only magnified my doubt about my prognosis. Those assurances, however, played an important role in my journey. They caused me to explore why someone telling me to "be positive" made me feel inadequate and weak. Hearing "you'll be fine" felt like the kiss of death. I heard these things from people who I am not very close to and they meant well.

I believe that I came to center, leveled out, by spending alot of time in mourning. Exploring what death means. Understanding how we die. Really coming to terms with the truth that our society shushes. Becoming comfortable with going to sleep forever.

For those who are suffering from cancer and debilitating fatigue, depression and fear, I hope you allow yourself to grieve your losses. Allow yourself to feel terrified. Allow yourself to mourn for you and your family. While being strong and staying positive is important because it will help those around you, its okay to go off on your own and get angry and cry until you sleep.

This song is for you.

When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird

Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse

All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse

Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt

Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way

A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret

Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play

Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth

Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running

My feet just led the way

Mixed up Signals

Bullet Train

Cars are switched out in the crazy rain

I could meet you any place

If the Brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing I have tried to understand

From a psychedelic angel who was tugging on my hand

It's an infinite coincidence but it doesn't form a plan

So I'm headed for New England or the Paris of the South

Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, Oh Babylon, with merry Middlemen?

Never peer out of their periscopes from those deep opium dens

All this death must need a counterweight always someone born again

First a mother bathes her child then the other way around

The Scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing

But my dreams gave me away

Mixed up Signals

Bullet Train

People snuffed out in the brutal rain

I could live to any age

If the Brakeman turns my way

It is an old world it's hard to remember

Like a dime store mystery

I'm a repeat first time offender

Who has rewritten history

Mixed up tea leaves

Phantom Pain

Fuzzy logic in the crazy rain

Getting better every day

If the Brakeman turns my way

Mixed up Signals

Bullet Train

Cars are switched out in the blinding rain

He'll be smiling as he seals my fate

When the Brakeman turns my way
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