I feel myself stepping into that dark place of being uncertain about so many things. I have that sense of dread in the back of my mind. It seems to always happen right before chemo. I seriously begin to question many things during this time. I even think of death .. if we are truly honest we all have thought about our mortality. More so since going through and living with cancer on a daily basis. I seem to pre-plan everything just in case something should happen. I don't mean if I die but in case of an emergency, so I now pay my rent 3 months in advance make sure my cable bill is always a month ahead and make sure there is always enough to eat. I have this thing of not having enough to eat. A few years ago I lived in Congo, we were living under a military curfew due to some political rumblings that eventually did escalate into one of the worst conflicts this planet has witnessed with more than 5 million people dead from war, starvation and disease. There was a point when then was virtually nothing in the stores in way of food products or what there was, was inflated to unreachable amounts to local patrons. Those were difficult times you never forget...
Earlier in the evening I was speaking with my one guy friend. We go out periodically, he wants serious I don't so I prefer to leave things as they are.
We were having a discussion on his upcoming holiday to Jamacia at the end of the week.. I said I was green with envy, to sit beside the ocean and relax would seem like heaven right now. It was then he tore into me that really took me by surprise. "SEE SEE this is why you have cancer... because you want to sit outside and bake like a lobster"!! You probably sat in the sun all the time and now it has damaged you... I was seriously pissed off because for one, I may have been blonde but I was not a dumb blonde. I am all too familiar what can happen when you overexpose your skin to too much sun. Not only the risk of cancer but you lose the moisture and your skin becomes like leather. Moreover I don't smoke, I don't drink, I never used drugs of any kind or smoked funny cigarettes. Eat a fairly well balanced diet, eat more organic and very little red meat... Had a child breast fed did all the things we were told to do yet i still ended up with Breast Cancer.... He did not take that as an answer and it dawned on me at that moment he blames women, that somehow we do something to stimulate the cancer to grow. The more we talked the more upset I became and his theory was more absurd...
Women get blamed for so much, if our kids screw up it's the mother's fault, if a husband cheats it was the wife's fault. Now if we have breast cancer it's our fault too, or better cervical must have meant a woman was promiscuous. I didn't feel like getting into long discussions because it was obvious it would have been like water rolling off a duck's back... He still would not have believed whatever was said....Too bad he blames me. Thank goodness I know better!!
I have that sense of dread in the back of my mind. It seems to always happen right before chemo. I seriously begin to question many things during this time. I even think of death .. if we are truly honest we all have thought about our mortality. More so since going through and living with cancer on a daily basis. I seem to pre-plan everything just in case something should happen. I don't mean if I die but in case of an emergency, so I now pay my rent 3 months in advance make sure my cable bill is always a month ahead and make sure there is always enough to eat. I have this thing of not having enough to eat. A few years ago I lived in Congo, we were living under a military curfew due to some political rumblings that eventually did escalate into one of the worst conflicts this planet has witnessed with more than 5 million people dead from war, starvation and disease.
There was a point when then was virtually nothing in the stores in way of food products or what there was, was inflated to unreachable amounts to local patrons. Those were difficult times you never forget...
Earlier in the evening I was speaking with my one guy friend. We go out periodically, he wants serious I don't so I prefer to leave things as they are.
We were having a discussion on his upcoming holiday to Jamacia at the end of the week..
I said I was green with envy, to sit beside the ocean and relax would seem like heaven right now.
It was then he tore into me that really took me by surprise. "SEE SEE this is why you have cancer... because you want to sit outside and bake like a lobster"!! You probably sat in the sun all the time and now it has damaged you...
I was seriously pissed off because for one, I may have been blonde but I was not a dumb blonde. I am all too familiar what can happen when you overexpose your skin to too much sun. Not only the risk of cancer but you lose the moisture and your skin becomes like leather.
Moreover I don't smoke, I don't drink, I never used drugs of any kind or smoked funny cigarettes. Eat a fairly well balanced diet, eat more organic and very little red meat... Had a child breast fed did all the things we were told to do yet i still ended up with Breast Cancer.... He did not take that as an answer and it dawned on me at that moment he blames women, that somehow we do something to stimulate the cancer to grow. The more we talked the more upset I became and his theory was more absurd...
Women get blamed for so much, if our kids screw up it's the mother's fault, if a husband cheats it was the wife's fault. Now if we have breast cancer it's our fault too, or better cervical must have meant a woman was promiscuous.
I didn't feel like getting into long discussions because it was obvious it would have been like water rolling off a duck's back...
He still would not have believed whatever was said....Too bad he blames me. Thank goodness I know better!!