Today is wide open for me – that is, I have a lot I want to do, but I have a lot of leeway about doing it.
Yesterday I was kind of closed in – I wasn’t moving very fast at all, and everything I did seemed to take me 5x longer than I wanted it to. I had my nap… but it was 2 hours later than I wanted it to be, and it was 2x as long as I expected it to be.
But these things happen.
And I’m feeling pretty good today. I’m feeling focused and resolute and I know what I want to do with myself – not only today, but for the rest of the week as well.
Some of the things I’m going to do today are: after I get done writing this, I will go for a walk in the woods. I did that the other day, and I came back feeling fantastic. I really hustled on that walk, and it helped to work some of the kinks out of my joints that have been bothering me. It also cleared my head, which was a welcome change.
After my walk, I will work. I have some tasks I need to get done, not least of which is to hone some of my technical skills so that I can feel comfortable talking with the company I’m currently negotiating with about a job change. They got in touch with me – they’re closer – the commute would be about half of what I have to drive now, and they are actively seeking someone who has my skills and experience. AND it’s technical, so it’s right up my alley.
I had a real crisis of confidence a few weeks back, when I took that test and bombed so badly. But I think this is a different scene, because I can actually see what the code on their websites looks like, I can get a good understanding of what technologies and approaches they use, and I can prepare more appropriately than I have been.
I can also put together a little portfolio of things I’ve done and places I’ve worked and samples of my coding, so they can know how I do what I do. I think this could be good. I’ve been so busy at work that I haven’t had a lot of energy to get excited about this, but now I am getting excited. And it’s good. I feel like I’m back on track. I really do love this work — this coding, this web stuff. I can’t be thrown off by people along the way and minor setbacks.
Anyway, I’m off to the woods, soon. My coffee is half-way done, and I’ve had my breakfast and vitamins. I started taking essential fatty acids (EFAs) after reading that article at the Concussion Blog about dietary concerns and concussions . I picked up a bottle of Omega 3-6-9s at my favorite health food store, and I’m really paying closer attention to that kind of stuff. I’m drinking my collagen/protein powder mix in the morning, too, because I’ve been pushing myself harder with my exercise, and I’m sore (though in a good way).
It’s all about the physical foundation for me. It’s all about the physiological basis for my ongoing recovery — practicing my relaxation before I go to sleep at night (and also during the day, now and then), doing my breathing exercises, and eating right. I have to say, I’m really pleased with the changes I’ve made lately in my life regarding my health – I’m eating a lot less processed sugar and empty carbs. I’ve also cut out much of the snacking I used to do, just to keep going. I’m back to exercising regularly, though not intensely every morning like I used to – that got to be excessive and a little depressing, when I stopped seeing the progress I’d seen at the start.
I also wasn’t strengthening my whole life. I was strengthening parts of it, like specific muscles, but the whole thing didn’t flow. I was getting stronger in some ways, but not in others. It’s hard to explain, but I feel stronger overall — in mind and spirit and heart and body, with more resilience and flexibility than I’ve had in a long time. Maybe ever. I’ve got more life experience, more context, more insight, more information about what can happen if I do … this… or that… or the other thing. And the most important information I have is that there is no final end to anything, so long as I’m alive. So long as I’m here and am able to stand and move in a certain direction, I will continue to grow, continue to improve, continue to progress. There’s just no turning back. Because I’ve seen how it is “back there” and I never want to go back.
Basically, my life is a whole lot more balanced than it used to be. I’m clearer. I’m more settled. And I have a great sense of purpose and real meaning.
What a difference from 5-6 years ago. Even three years ago.
Up until about three years ago, I struggled with everyday things, like keeping an even temper, like managing my time, like taking care of the day-to-day. I was a real head-case, always looping around in my head over this, that and the other thing, on constant alert for what was going to go wrong, next… unable to go outside and interact with people and just relax… having trouble reading, having trouble talking, have a hell of a time remembering the things I needed to remember… and pushing myself so hard to overcome those things. There were a lot of things that were going wrong with me – the thing I didn’t realize was that I was all caught up in thinking that if I couldn’t get it right from the start, it was never going to go right. I hadn’t gotten clear about the incremental learning approach, which now makes so much sense to me.
It’s not about my inherent abilities and my inherent levels of intelligence that make or break me. It’s my willingness and energy for learning and growing, that does it. That’s the thing. That’s the thing that’s freed my mind.
So much about my life has changed, it’s crazy. I’m so much more relaxed now, so much more settled. I have had a lot of ups and downs and obstacles to overcome, but I’ve overcome them. And with that I’ve built up more and more self-confidence and stability.
Now I can collect my thoughts and get on with my day.
Now I can go outside and go for a walk in the woods, even if it is bright outside, and even if there’s a chance I may encounter someone along the way.
Now I can read and study and learn and get myself back in the “swing” of doing the work I really truly love.
These are big things. Big changes. Big advantages for me.
And now, it’s time to make the most of them and get out and LIVE.