I wrote yesterday that I had a break through...or a melt down ...or a life changing moment...but whatever it was...I am thankful for it. It was a hard day...and yet I got through it...with the blessing of God and the support of each of you...thank each of YOU. How very blessed I am to have such a team of supporters.
One thing was clear yesterday is...you all are very wise and so true to your spiritual walk. Thank you for holding my hand yesterday and helping me. Your words and thoughts meant so much to me. Without sounding dramatic..I felt broken and you guys were like glue that held me together.
One thing that was clear yesterday is...I am trying to do too much..Fix things that I Can not fix...control things that I can not control...and it is causing me problems in other areas in my life. I am trying too hard in areas that NO matter how hard I try it will not be fixed...and not focusing on the area of my life that is the clear answer.
Staying up half the night because I can not sleep...trying to pretend that everything is fine..and not wanting to have things change here is NOT a real solution to my reality. Lack of sleep, being tired, meds and worry can play games with your mind if you are not careful. That makes a person not pay attention to what they are doing ..enough is enough.
The reality is...I am one person and doing the best I can. I am going to learn to take some time for myself..and when I shut my door it means I am wanting to be left alone. Not to keep banging and asking me if you can do such and such or he did this or that. Did you know that sometimes a child..a pre teen and teenager needs to hear NO..heck NO..and sometimes us adults need to hear that also.
So with that being said...I know I can not run around acting like all is okay..and keep the manic pace I feel like I am in...Down time..is not a bad word. Even for kids...Right?
Yesterday it hit me..How can I focus on anything I am doing when the phone is ringing..email is going off and the text messages coming in...and at the same time..I am trying to get things done so I can come home to rest from my meds. and suppose to be someplace else. It can cause a bad outcome..tears...short fuses ...mistakes and half taken care of issues.
I have felt a little like a hamster on his wheel ...going going going...yet getting no where.
I am taking the advice of a wonderful friend..I am letting go of any guilt I have and looking forward ....looking back is not going to help...Guilt sucks ...I wonder how long it takes to go away...
It became clear to me..God needs to be in control..and I need to take a step back. I have said the words he is in control...and yet at the same time...doing things my way ...I am going to try not only saying teh words..but LIVING the words..
Yes there are things I have to deal with..and I will. But there are things I do not have to deal with...or fix..or control.
So yes I am off the cliff..I did not jump on my own..I was pushed...but I would like to think God is just as pleased...As long as I am off the cliff I end up in the same place..In his gentle care...
So my message is...yes God has been knocking on my heart with gentle reminders about areas of my life...I think he beat me over the head with a baseball bat. I opted to listen..
So here is reality today. I am a mom or 4 children. .One who is very sick and we have no idea what the outcome will be. He has a very long road ahead of him..and I can not fix him no matter how hard I try. I am working on getting myself well and stronger...Physically and spiritually. And for a while I will be doing things alone while my DH gets strong and healthy...so he can come home and be the man he wants to be. That is MY reality...