I have had a massive array of thoughts going through my head this past week. The main one of course being why? I have been pretty good at remaining level headed at the fact that people get sick and this is not about me personally, blah blah, but right now I really feel like the universe's punching bag. My question before about God and how I thought that perhaps my tumors grew and then I got the job as a sorry for that kinda thing ya know, but now that is just ridiculous! I was given my first job in two years and I had to quit because the tumors were weakening my leg so much! What the hell is with that??? That is not God that is just mean and wrong on so many levels. I have no idea how I am going to support myself through this. I don't think I have any disability left and if I do the last time I collected I only got $200 a week. Not gonna cut it. I mean one week has to go to pay cobra for Aug just to keep me in meds and follow ups. How am I gonna eat and stay in my apartment? I checked into welfare and that is a process that takes forever! I don't understand. Why couldn't this have happened sooner when I had more money or something? I don't care about the damn tumors, I can get over that its that its ruining my life, well, what I am trying to make of a life that is, my career and such.
Plus I have been going through this in my head that if I had talked to my doc when the symptoms first started we could've done the surgery by now but I was so ready to believe that the tumors were dead that I blamed the symptoms on coming off of Lexapro! How stupid!!! I could be recovering by now instead of suffering! I am swollen from the steroids, and sweating like its a freaking sauna everywhere I go! I can't stand it! And I still have to wait almost three weeks to get it over with! how could I be so blind? I couldn't walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without my walker, I knew something was wrong but I said nothing! I have only myself to blame. I was so desperate for the tumors to be dead I actually convinced myself it was a side effect of coming off a medication that made me that weak! I feel like a freaking idiot! But Lexapro withdrawal side effects are sometimes that severe so how the hell was I supposed to know?
My last MRI said I had no new growth and the CT scan I had in, what Feb, said there was no change, so why would I think there was growth. Freaking radiologists! I am going to have every new MRI scrutinized from now on. My doc says that these tumors are new yet none of my scans showed new tumors before this and this scan said these tumors grew dramatically, so when did they first appear?????? What does a person have to do to get real answers??????? Every follow up appointment from now on I am going to have my doc go through the scan with me and compare it with the previous because I am not going through this again! If the report says no new growth I want to make sure it is true! I am so tired of this. From the very beginning, the first scan I was told I had two tumors and I later found out I had 4 the whole time. How many freaking tumors do I have?? I have no freaking clue! That is sad! And you know what, this time I am going to get a piece of this tumor for myself, I am going to make sure the doc keeps a piece for me so I can keep it! Well, I don't know if he can, but I am sure gonna try! I want to see it! Or maybe he can at least get pictures for me. I need to see it, face it!
Well, I'm done ranting for now, I was much more pissed aat the beginning of the week, there probably would have been a lot more, but I waited to post until I talked to my mom so I had time to calm down, though I am a bit fiesty this morning, probably because its my last day prepping the movie I have to give up! So not fair! Oh and one more thing, why am I still going through this alone? All I want is someone to be here for me, to hold my hand or give me a shoulder to cry on, I even called people this week looking for it to no avail, nothing, I have no one! Sorry, I know there are people that consider themselves my friends who would like to be here for me but can't because they are thousands of miles away, but that doesn't help me, I need someone here, now! Why is that such an unreasonable request? Everyone says, if you need something let me know but when I try I get nothing! Its very hard for me to ask for help and this week I actually put myslef out there and wanted someone, a shoulder to cry on and I couldn't find one! How sad is that? Again, really not fair!!!!!!!!!! I deserve better! Friends who can't or won't be there for you aren't really friends and so where does that leave you? All alone. Again. Loneliness sucks, more so than the tumors sometimes. Just saying. And I shouldn't have to be the one reaching out, with this news, people should be coming to me, but nope, nothing. Nothing but loneliness. Again, this is not meant for those who would be here if they could and I know some of you are reading this. Just saying. I could really use a good friend right about now, in person, but alas, there is no one. I don't even understand why I don't have any friends, I am a good loyal friend, I guess people just can't handle the tumors.
Plus I have been going through this in my head that if I had talked to my doc when the symptoms first started we could've done the surgery by now but I was so ready to believe that the tumors were dead that I blamed the symptoms on coming off of Lexapro! How stupid!!! I could be recovering by now instead of suffering! I am swollen from the steroids, and sweating like its a freaking sauna everywhere I go! I can't stand it! And I still have to wait almost three weeks to get it over with! how could I be so blind? I couldn't walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night without my walker, I knew something was wrong but I said nothing! I have only myself to blame. I was so desperate for the tumors to be dead I actually convinced myself it was a side effect of coming off a medication that made me that weak! I feel like a freaking idiot! But Lexapro withdrawal side effects are sometimes that severe so how the hell was I supposed to know?
My last MRI said I had no new growth and the CT scan I had in, what Feb, said there was no change, so why would I think there was growth. Freaking radiologists! I am going to have every new MRI scrutinized from now on. My doc says that these tumors are new yet none of my scans showed new tumors before this and this scan said these tumors grew dramatically, so when did they first appear?????? What does a person have to do to get real answers??????? Every follow up appointment from now on I am going to have my doc go through the scan with me and compare it with the previous because I am not going through this again! If the report says no new growth I want to make sure it is true! I am so tired of this. From the very beginning, the first scan I was told I had two tumors and I later found out I had 4 the whole time. How many freaking tumors do I have?? I have no freaking clue! That is sad! And you know what, this time I am going to get a piece of this tumor for myself, I am going to make sure the doc keeps a piece for me so I can keep it! Well, I don't know if he can, but I am sure gonna try! I want to see it! Or maybe he can at least get pictures for me. I need to see it, face it!
Well, I'm done ranting for now, I was much more pissed aat the beginning of the week, there probably would have been a lot more, but I waited to post until I talked to my mom so I had time to calm down, though I am a bit fiesty this morning, probably because its my last day prepping the movie I have to give up! So not fair! Oh and one more thing, why am I still going through this alone? All I want is someone to be here for me, to hold my hand or give me a shoulder to cry on, I even called people this week looking for it to no avail, nothing, I have no one! Sorry, I know there are people that consider themselves my friends who would like to be here for me but can't because they are thousands of miles away, but that doesn't help me, I need someone here, now! Why is that such an unreasonable request? Everyone says, if you need something let me know but when I try I get nothing! Its very hard for me to ask for help and this week I actually put myslef out there and wanted someone, a shoulder to cry on and I couldn't find one! How sad is that? Again, really not fair!!!!!!!!!! I deserve better! Friends who can't or won't be there for you aren't really friends and so where does that leave you? All alone. Again. Loneliness sucks, more so than the tumors sometimes. Just saying. And I shouldn't have to be the one reaching out, with this news, people should be coming to me, but nope, nothing. Nothing but loneliness. Again, this is not meant for those who would be here if they could and I know some of you are reading this. Just saying. I could really use a good friend right about now, in person, but alas, there is no one. I don't even understand why I don't have any friends, I am a good loyal friend, I guess people just can't handle the tumors.