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This is not how I want to think, but I’m going to say it anyway

Posted Oct 29 2012 4:53pm

I have been feeling very down, these past few days. I know that I am over-tired, and that has a lot to do with it. But still… I feel down, and I don’t like it.

On the one hand, I know I am making really good progress with my job and my skills. I feel very positive and hopeful about my future.

But on the other hand, I am sad about how things have turned out with my present situation, and I am kind of mourning the passing of all the high hopes I had for the job I am trying to leave.

It’s really got very little to do with me, the way the job has changed. And the things I’ve been asked to do have been so overwhelmingly complex — for anyone — that anyone would have struggled the way I have been struggling. I know that now, although for some time I thought it was really me that had the problem. The problem is not with me. It is with the job.

And yet there’s a part of me that won’t let go of the idea that I should have been able to make it work. Somehow. If I wanted it badly enough, I would have managed. If I’d been willing to work a little harder… if I’d been smarter… if I’d reached out and asked for help more often…

Blah-blah-blah. The committee in my head is not doing me any favors. The fact of the matter is, it is NOT me – it is the job. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that my boss’es boss has probably wanted me gone for about a year, now, since they started changing the focus of the team I’m on. I really don’t fit into their version of how people should work, or what makes us productive team members. They are very much into competition, blaming, making fun of people behind their backs, finding fault, being aggressive towards others, and schmoozing up to the people in charge.

Which is the exact opposite of how I am. And that’s precisely why I’ve been so successful in my work — because I am into collaboration and cooperation, including people from different teams, being respectful of others and treating them like professional colleagues (which they are), and telling the truth instead of slanted version which will make me (or my boss) look good.

The fact of the matter is, they cannot dare not include me in meetings, because I’m not willing to cover them and their lies, and if things are messed up and need to be fixed, I say it — and get down to fixing them.

So, it’s really small wonder that I’m not being made to feel welcome, that the rest of the group is “circling the wagons” and keeping me at arms’ length, and that I am never included in important discussions until after the decisions have been made. It’s just not a good fit – but that’s probably a testament to my effectiveness and the quality of my work, rather than a dark mark against me.

Even so, I’m bummed that this isn’t working out… that I need to find another job… that I have to deal with recruiters and hiring managers again… I’m also a little paranoid that the hiring managers and recruiters I talked to about a month ago have not gotten back to me, even though they said they would call me. I don’t like feeling like this — paranoid and self-doubting.

What I really want is to just do my own thing. Just cut loose from this crazy day-job business and find a way to work by myself, for myself. It may be me just wanting to isolate and avoid others because of all the wrong reasons, but I that’s how I feel. Or maybe I just need to be in an uber-geeky environment, as I once was, and that will help. I got a couple of lottery tickets last night – just in case. I should check them….

Okay, what would make me feel better? Being free of the foolishness, that’s what. I just feel like people can be so cruel and dense — like all the stupid comments and jokes people are making about Hurricane Sandy, when there are real lives at stake. And I am so tired of being surrounded by people who care more about what others think of them, than what the right thing to do is.

God, just let me crawl into my little hole and let the world pass me by…

On the other hand (and here’s the weird/manic part about it), I am feeling incredibly calm and sure and certain and hopeful, and I am so excited about the next phase of my life. I have a much clearer view of where I’m going and what I want to be doing with myself, and I am taking steps to follow that. I know that this present situation – uncomfortable and sad as it is – is a temporary one. And I know that things always change. Always. So, I can’t get too bummed out.

All the same, I am feeling bummed out, some of the time. I’m tired. I know that.  It’s normal for times of change. I know that too. And the holidays are coming, with my crazy family waiting for me. That isn’t helping.

Oh, well. I’ve got to get back to my studying, so I can get my mind off this. It’s just change, and change is hard for me — extremely hard. I wish it weren’t, but it’s always been. Even when it’s good change.

So, I guess I’ll stop whining now and get on with it. Do something constructive to get my head off things, and just “channel” some of this energy, as they say.


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