Even among the properly trained, it can be difficult to understand exactly what is going on inside an injured head. At every turn, if you present well, outside your head it is assumed that you are well, that all is well, and that all will be well.
But inside your head, there are no such guarantees.
Inside your head, nestled amongst the tens of thousands of memories of what was supposed to go one way, but went another — with or without warning — lie slumbering catastrophes, just waiting to be awoken by sudden laughter or applause…
All the screw-ups, all the mess-ups, all the misspoken words, the misunderstood directions, the confusions, the communication breakdowns, the confabulations, the failed connections… no matter how small they were, the simple fact remains that things did not go the way they should have. No matter how hard we tried, things did not work out. And there were consequences — we tried like crazy to avoid them, but it just didn’t work out. We may not remember the specific details of each minor catastrophe, but the residue of each and every one is very much a part of who and what we are. Our brains may not remember each detail, but our bodies recall very clearly the experience of being wrong or mistaken or confused all too well.
Inside your head, sandwiched between the best-laid plans and the rock-solid goals and the shining hopes and the lifegiving dreams, the condensation of nagging doubts builds up. There is no true certainty with brain injury. There may be a sense of certainty, but the reality all too often is something very different. They trickle in, these well-versed, well-founded doubts — liquid sabotage — from the pressure cracks in your system, the pressure cracks in your life, seeping in through the fissures to accumulate in the crevices in the foundation you’ve built your life upon. When the weather is warm and pleasant, all is well. But when it gets cold — a sudden snap, perhaps — the liquid expands like icy water freezing in sidewalk cracks, and it separates the pieces of your foundation like so many pieces of stone or brick or cement forced apart by sudden ice.
Outside your head, everything looks fine. Everything looks good. Until you snap. The pressure builds up too much — too little sleep, too many demands, too much long-term fatigue, too much cognitive deficit, too many questions, too much to do, too few resources left over at the end of the day to manage it all. Too much… too. And you lose it. Go off the deep end. Pitch a fit. Fly off the handle. Over what? Sometimes it’s hard to remember.
And then it hits the fan. You’re not the only one in the line of your own fire. And the others who bear the brunt may or may not be accommodating. Chances are, they’re not. And a brick pops out of the wall. A chunk of your foundation cracks off. The mortar between the stones in your carefully constructed retaining wall starts to crack and crumble.
Maybe the people you lost it around remember other times you’ve done this. Maybe they don’t. If they do remember, chances are they’ve tried to forget, tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, tried to make allowances or exceptions. Tried to give you another chance. But they keep giving you second chances, and still… it comes back to this.
Maybe the people around you don’t remember you losing it before. In which case, depending how long they’ve known you, you’re either the benefactor of their interpersonal largesse and allowed another chance or special exceptions… or you’re marked as someone who isn’t quite right and can’t quite be trusted.
Or maybe the problem isn’t anger at all. It’s not temper. It’s not tantrums. It’s not violent outbursts. It’s something much less dramatic, but all the more sinister — unreliability. Perceived flakiness. An apparent inability to do simple math. Or spell. Or use proper grammar. Perhaps it’s failure to deliver. Over-promising and under-delivering.
The last one is the most sinister of all. It makes you look like you’re either completely out of touch with reality or — worse — a liar. One slip, and you’re suspect. Another, and you’re a marked person. One more, and you’re written off. Yet another, and you’re doomed. The world can tolerate a lot of variability, but the world of work and accountability is brutal on those who fail to deliver what they promise. It’s sink or swim. Life or death. With the economy the way it is, and the global marketplace as competitive as it is, there is even less margin for error, than there was 30 years ago.
It’s not just the case for the workers of the world — also for the spouses, the friends, the family members, the community members. There’s just not that much tolerance, anymore, for those who don’t measure up. Perhaps there’s never been. But in this world we have made, the stakes are much higher. 500 years ago, you could retreat to the forest and survive. Now, nobody really remembers how to live on the land. We are much more interconnected and interdependent than ever, yet our tolerance for variations in human expression has not kept up.
We have invented a world for ourselves that has no room for many of us.
Where, then, shall we go?
It’s the only place that’s safe anymore — and that’s a relative statement, in any case. After all, within is where you store the collective memories of all your screw-ups. It’s where you wrangle with the very real recollections of your own failings, the collected experiences of your shortfall. It’s where you have to live with yourself, like it or not. It’s the one place that who you are and what you are — and are not — capable of, is very clearly known. Except when it’s not.
Within is a haven that has significant limits, to be sure.
But within, at least you have a chance to sequester the truth of yourself and your limits in their own company, and they can keep each others’ confidences in the silent corners of your mind. No one needs to know, just what a hard time you’re having these days. In fact, no one wants to know. They have their own troubles. And how they have their own troubles. Nobody likes to think others have troubles nearly as bad as their own.
Funny, how people are like that. If you step forward and ask for help, you stand a better chance of being smacked down than given the help you need. You stand a better chance of being reprimanded and chastized, than assisted, even if you ask for specific kinds of help. “Everybody has problems with something… Look at you – you’re lucky! You can still walk and talk! You still have your health! Some people have it reallybad — at least you don’t have MS or Cancer or Parkinsons or Alzheimers! Stop complaining and just live your life.”
Buried in the litany of “real” problems that other people have, there’s a common theme, a recurring chorus, that goes, “I’m in pain too, but I don’t vex the rest of creation with nagging pleas for help. If I can suck it up, you can too. Get with the program, cowboy, and just deal with it. Oh, by the way, have you paid your taxes yet?”
Looking without for assistance is a tricky thing. You may be better off, not even trying. If it’s logistics, like staying alive during a long, cold winter, then yeah – speak up. But if it’s “higher” functioning stuff like memory or fatigue or distractability or behavioral issues, chances are you’re better off keeping your own confidences.
You may wish to keep the bad news about the havoc in your life to yourself. I do. And it’s working out better for me, than when I told people the whole truth about my situation. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut about it, for the rest of the world simply does not, cannot, and will not understand. Most people have their own troubles — ironically, much of it their own making, due (among other things) to poor time management practices, crappy sleep hygiene, and bad living habits. It’s not neurological with them. It’s either mental laziness, lack of character, or addiction to drama. They create their own overwhelm, and then they liken their situation to mine.
Ironic, to say the least. I could teach them a thing or two about time management and improving performance. The fact that I can get as much done as I do, despite the limits I’m dealing with, says a lot about how-well designed and oiled the “machine” of my life is. I should bottle my system and sell it. I’d be rich, if I could. But most folks I know are heavily invested in their self-created drama, they’re getting by okay, in spite of their chaos, and they don’t see anything wrong with it. Me trying to get help from them to fix something they don’t think is a problem — somethign that they think is just how life is – when I know differently — is like trying to outlaw drinking on a cruise ship.
Yes, most folks have havoc enough — self-created as it is. And they can’t for the life of themselves fathom why others (whom they assume have self-created their own havoc, just as they have), are whining about needing extra help getting on with their lives.
Outside the mind, the odds of getting your needs met as a traumatic brain injury survivor (or as a significant other of one) are slim to none. Money is tight, after all. Only the most severe and obvious cases stand much of a chance of qualifying for help.
But there’s always within… When you keep your own confidences and you hold your own counsel in the privacy of your own mind, you have a chance to make right the very things you know for a fact are wrong. You can work with your demons on your own terms, in your own time, without the messy meddling of others who may say they understand, but really don’t. Within, you have a chance — if you know yourself and your situation for what they truly are — to negotiate and navigate and accommodate and mediate… to adjust and tweak and compensate. And just get on with your life.
Outside, there’s precious little that anyone else can do for you. Sad, but unfortunately generally true. People don’t know shit about brain injury. Nor do they want to. They’ll glance at the billboards and skim over the ads in the magazine, and get on with their busy, havoc-filled lives. And never give it a second thought.
But within… there you have a chance. Only you know just how messed up things can get. And only you can identify exactly what is wrong. Only you can know for sure if the results are what you planned. The rest of the world thinks you meant to say or do such-and-such. Only you know the truth — that what you did or said was anything but what you planned and intended.
Havoc… catastrophe… conundrum… confusion… Screw-ups… Failure… teetering on the brink of collapse…