It’s been a quiet week, blog-wise. It’s been a very busy week, work-wise. I am glad of that, because it indicates that I am quite functional, which a good place to be at. I haven’t had much time for anything other than working, getting a little exercise, and then coming home to make supper, watch television, and go to bed. But that’s okay.
Ideally, I’d like to have my work and the rest of my life be more balanced out. I’ve got some other things I’d like to do with myself besides complete tasks for my employer. A 40-hour work week might be nice… but I’m not sure when that’s going to happen. So, I am looking for other ways to think about my job, other than it being just a job.
It’s a short list, compared to the “batch” of 84 ways TBI can make your life really interesting I catalogued several years ago and have used as a guideline in my own recovery. But it’s a list, nonetheless. And they can cause a whole truckload of hurt. mTBI can really mess with your head in all sorts of ways, even if medical imaging can’t pick it up. Indeed, the ONF Guidelines say:
Computed Axial Tomography (CAT) and conventional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) usually fail to detect evidence of structural brain abnormalities in mTBI. However, reviews of recent advances in the biomechanical modeling of mTBI in humans and animals conclude that mTBI leads to functional neuronal disruption, and at times structural damage
Yeah – what they said: “functional neuronal disruption, and at times structural damage”.
Now, I don’t want to go all worst-case-scenario on you and start going on about brain damage and whatnot. My point is that even if mild traumatic brain injury can’t always be recorded in medical imaging, over the long term, it can lead to problems, even structural damage.
Researchers are still learning a lot about mTBI/concussion, and they have a ways to go before they fully understand all the mechanics and impacts of it. But at least they’re starting to “get” that this is a real problem for real people, and it’s to be taken seriously. They’re making the important distinction that
In most cases, patients who experience mTBI will recover fully, typically within days to months. The concern is that, as the Centre for Disease Control (CDC) notes, “up to 15% of patients diagnosed with mTBI may have experienced persistent disabling problems” (CDC, p.3). The consequences for these individuals may include reduced functional ability, heightened emotional distress, and delayed return to work or school (MAA NSW, 2008). When symptoms persist beyond the typical recovery period of three months the term post-concussion syndrome or disorder may be applied.
So, while the majority of people do recover on their own from concussion/mild TBI within days or weeks or months, the fact remains that there are a whole lot of people who don’t. And those people who don’t can be disabled by their symptoms and the issues that surround them.
And here we come to the domain of post-concussive disorder/syndrome — that twilight zone where things get all jumbled up for no apparent reason, and a whole lot of stuff stops making sense, and you start to hear things like…
“It’s been months, even years, since your TBI — why aren’t you better yet?”
“You look fine — why are you pretending to be sick?”
“This should be easy for you — why are you having such a hard time with it?”
Everybody seems to think that recovery from concussion is a given, but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the symptoms last for years and years, and even the people closest to you, the people who you’d expect to understand that you’re not exactly the same as you used to be, can’t seem to get their heads around the fact that you need more sleep, or you need to think things through more slowly, or you need to have more routine, than the “average” person. And they judge you for it. Sometimes they give up on you. Which is — sorry — total bullshit.
Can I tell you, the last one – “This should be easy for you — why are you having such a hard time with it?” — is probably the toughest for me — and it’s especially hard hearing it from inside my own head. I swear, there are a whole lot of things that I am certain should make a whole lot more sense to me, than they do — there are things I hear that I feel I should understand, directions I receive that I feel I should get, and there are things I’m tasked with that I should be able to complete with no problem.
But for some reason I can’t. It’s like my brain isn’t working. I usually end up soldiering on and just having a go at it — giving it my best shot and keeping on trying till I get it right. But I swear to GOD, it is maddening. You would think that after all this time, I would be able to get my act together.
In a way, I think I’ve kind of given up trying to get everything back in place the way I want it to be, the way it’s comfortable for me. I guess I’ve made peace with the fact that I am probably not going to get a lot of things right the first time, but I need to just keep trying. There are so, so many things that I have thought I was doing right, then I found out I was doing them all wrong… then I’d look back, six months later, and wonder why the hell it was so hard for me. It just makes no sense. But learning new things — even refining old things — takes what feels like an eternity for me, sometimes.
Still, I can’t let it get me down. If I keep my energy up and keep myself reasonably healthy and engaged in my life, I can just keep going… just keep going… till I figure things out. I just need to keep moving, keep rethinking things, keep my spirits up and keep trying. And if I treat this as an adventure and a chance to explore and learn new things about myself, it puts my experience in a very different light.
And that’s a challenge, because over the years, my anxiety has gotten to the point where a part of me HAS TO HAVE EVERYTHING COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL, or it freaks out. A part of me craves order and predictability, it relies on routine, and being able to plan and anticipate and properly respond to my life situations. It’s that part that helps me get my routines in order, helps me keep going, helps me keep fit for work and life. But that part of me is constantly frustrated, constantly thwarted by the other parts of me that have gotten rewired and turned around over the years. So, it’s a constant source of tension for me.
A creative tension, really.
And when I think about it, it’s not all bad… there are some good parts to that tension. It spurs me on to do better, to make positive changes in my life and in the lives of others. It moves me to improve. And it moves me to explore.
The most important thing is keeping an open mind — that’s what transforms my situation from a terrible, awful burden, to an opportunity to learn and grow. It’s when I don’t cut myself slack, when I forget that the issues I’m having are because of what happened to my brain, not what my own inherent self-worth is, not what others think my problem is, and NOT because there is anything wrong with me… that’s when things start to get dicey.
In a way, acknowledging that my issues are neurological is both a blessing and a curse. A two-edged sword. But for now, for today, I’m going to focus on the blessing part.