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Some Thoughts..

Posted Aug 07 2011 12:00am
Lately it seems I am a bundle of thoughts but never sure if I should share them...I guess I have some worries that I will seems weak or half crazy.  To be honest I may be a little mixture of both....

One thing I KNOW I need to work on is accepting who I am and what I am feeling.  Let me explain...I so wanna be something or someone I just am not ..I wanna be this happy go lucky girl...I wanna be the perfect  mama and wife...I wanna have this pep that no matter how far I dig it just is NOT there...I sure do not feel sorry for myself.  In fact that is part of my issue..I hate to always talk or focus on the medical concerns and worries...and yet some days...most days they are very heavy on my heart.   The craziest thing is...Do you know why I started my blog?  Every time I think about it I just think "GOD LAUGHS WHEN MORTALS MAKE PLANS".  When I started my blog I talked about having a outlet that was not about medical and was just about everyday life...Then within weeks I had my surgery and found out about my cancer. I was so blessed to have my outlet here....I have never felt such about blessed. So I guess the truth is I feel like I should not complain.  Philip is having the worse time right now, he gets worse by the day and the truth is things are plain bad.  And yet I find myself not posting about him because what do I say? Things stink...he is getting worse and no better...I am hurt that my first born son is sick and in pain every minute of the day...I am so thankful that he is alive and I feel like we have been so blessed with a miracle..Now this is where I wanna say BUT...It is plain hard ...Just really hard.  The truth is I feel pretty hurt and alone as a mom right now.  Philip has been sick and in pain so long that I feel like I am just worn out...Every one has moved on  and here I am..

I think the truth is..I am on steroids right now and my treatment has kicked my butt this go around.. I really wanna run away...far far away..
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