Well, my sleep experiment has hit a snag. It started after Day Three, when I had a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it. I decided to just push through and do it, anyway. I have been working at getting in bed at a decent time, for as long as I can remember. I just seem to be surrounded by people who don’t need as much sleep as I do, or who have the luxury of staying up, because they’ll be able to sleep in.
That’s not where I am, and I doubt I will ever be at that place. Not only do I just wake up — but I want to just wake up, because there is so much to do and experience and explore in life, and it draws me to it. Moth to a flame? Perhaps. Then again, if you pay close attention to what’s going on in the world (and I’m not talking about politics and international relations, but in terms of what people at an everyday level can do, create and experience), there’s just this vast landscape of amazingness just waiting to be discovered and explored.
Never before have everyday people had such an ability to create and interact and, well, enrich their lives. It’s truly amazing. In an instant, I can be involved in a discussion with people all over the world about topics that transcend the regional. Or I can just read. And look at pictures that amazingly talented people have taken in places I will probably never travel to.
Sure, things seem to be pretty bleak and dreary, when you think about the wars and the conflicts, the hunger, the strife, the violence, the brutality… But I think what we tend to forget is that the human race has been doing some pretty brutal things to each other since the beginning of time — and we’re still here. This is not to say that all the horror and death and brutality is anything to ignore or pretend doesn’t matter.
I’m just saying it’s not all there is to life. And when I focus only on the brutality, I miss the chance to experience the joy. And that’s were I want to be – the joy.
So, in the midst of this playground of a world, there are so many things that interest me on a deep, profound level. There’s so much to learn. There’s so much to incorporate. There’s so much to really take in and digest… it’s intoxicating, for sure. And I tend to get drunk with fatigue.
Literally. They’ve done studies about sleep deprivation — and they’ve found that it’s even more dangerous than drinking, when it comes to driving . I also feel a bit intoxicated when I’m really, really tired and I’m past the point of being able to relax and fall asleep. I’ve also heard other people talk about going without sleep on purpose, because it gives them a little buzz.
So, basically, I’m walking around a little bit drunk all the time, under the present circumstances. Drunk with life. And agitation. And anxiety. All the good stuff and the bad stuff rolled into one. Which is very exciting, but it’s also tiring, and it’s counter-productive. This I know. But still…
Anyway, I have found that what makes things even worse is making myself unhappy over the state of my sleep. Getting upset over not being able to sleep basically keeps me awake — or it wakes me up right away at 5 a.m., when I only got to sleep at midnight. It’s an interesting balance — between being propelled out of bed because the day is waiting and there is so much I want to do and see and experience, and feeling like crap all day long because I only got five hours of sleep.
As usual, it’s a balance thing. And I love to tell myself that when things get better, then I’ll do better. When I change jobs. When I learn new skills. When I don’t have to deal with my psycho-politico-bully boss . When the weather gets warmer. When the weather gets cooler. Yada yada yada. And so on. There are tons of great “opportunities” for things to get better, which will then open the door for me to do better.
But I know that’s total BS – it’s just more excuses. This I know. And I know I need to can do better than that. So, there we have it.
For today, I’m going to be grateful that I got 6-1/2 hours of sleep instead of 5-1/2 like yesterday. And I’m going to do everything in my power to enjoy myself. I’m working from home today, and my spouse has a doctor’s appointment this afternoon that they need help with. So, I should be able to make some good progress with some things I’ve been meaning to get to, but haven’t had the time to do — and have been constantly interrupted from doing by people who either walk very close to me as they pass my open workspace… or people who need something from me and feel the need to come and see me personally instead of just sending me a friggin’ email.
Seriously. What is it with people? Needy, needy, needy…
But today, I am off the radar and out of the loop, where I can focus in and just get some crap done. Who knows, I may even get some good rest tonight. We’ve got a friend coming over to help with some landscaping. So, I may get some rest tonight. Then again, I might not. I’ll give it a try.
Now, however, the day is waiting. Time to get going – on to what’s next.