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My boy

Posted May 10 2009 10:10pm
If you were reading my Twitter in the wee hours of the morning, you'll know I shed some tears today.

See it's Mother's Day, and my boy's been on my mind today.

I was blessed that our sermon was given today by our pastor's wife, who's walked a long journey of infertility. Amy's just welcome her little miracle daughter Rosie about six weeks before Naomi arrived. Hearing someone who understand heartache share about "HOPE" was really wonderful. She didn't ignore the broken women in our congregation this morning, because she knows the pain of watching women celebrate while she is in agony. It was a really good day, but Joshua was still at the forefront of my mind. I find myself imagining life with a three year old, a sixteen month old, an a newborn. Life seems chaotic right now, but oh how I wish it were more chaotic.

The day was pretty good, up till the evening when we were watching Grey's Anatomy on TV. I know - quality TV right? We're a bit behind here, but it was the episode that included a little boy waiting for a transplant. The doctor called his mother into the room and said, "Hold him, he's going...". I could hear what was coming! I heard my own words echoing through my heart and had to take a dep breath as I heard her say, "It's okay baby, Momma loves you. You can go. It's alright."

See, 13 months ago I said those words. In fact, I spent a day and a half saying those words to my little boy. I told him it was okay to go. I told him he was going to be with Jesus and that Jesus would take care of him. I told him I was proud of him, and that I loved him.

And it was gut-wrenching to watch it with my own eyes. The tears began to flow and I held onto Naomi a lot tighter. For the next 30-45 minutes I sat with Naomi on my chest and every few minutes I hugged her a little tighter. I held Joshua the same way - for nearly a day and a half - telling him it was okay to go.

I found myself relieved to watch the mother in the show get her medical miracle - and get her son back from the brink of death.

We didn't get to keep this precious boy.

But we did get a miracle, didn't we?

Happy Mother's Day to the mothers who've had, held, loved, lost, and treasured.

Miscarried, Premature, Full term, Stillborn, Incompatible with Life, Accident, Tragedy....

Happy? Maybe not.

Joyful? Most definitely. The joy of having Joshua will never fade.

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