I just learned the hard way that when you are on prescribed anti depressants you really need to stick to a set schedule. I found the Lexapro was working for me, but when I got back from Vegas I stopped taking it at the same time every day and even missed a dose or two. What resulted was an emotional meltdown yesterday. I was watching tv and reading the book "Mind Over Mood" and all of a sudden, I got so depressed and started crying. The book has worksheets for thought records and you put down a situation in which you remember having a strong mood and you record the mood and the thoughts which contributed to the mood and then continued... then you are supposed to write down facts that support the thoughts and facts that are opposed to the thoughts. I could not come up with anything to oppose the thoughts and I just lost it. I mean, how am I supposed to change my way of thinking if I can't disprove it? My moods were sad and lonely and my thoughts were that I was lonely and would always be alone and that no one needs me or cares about me. Now I can come up with examples of people caring about me, but the rest I am at a loss. I need to take the book and my worksheets to my therapist and get help with it because I hate feeling this lonely and hopeless. I mean, what is the worst that can happen if I am right? I will be alone for the rest of my life. What is so horrible about that? Never knowing love. I have never been in love at least not with someone who loved me back and I would really like to know what its like to be loved, not to mention the whole physical part of love...
Anyway, I have started taking my meds regularly again and hopefully this sadness will pass again because I really liked NOT feeling sad.
As far as my loneliness, I need to learn to live with it. I have tried so many times to keep in touch with people and I am tired of them not reciprocating so here's the situation. I give up. If anyone wants to be my friend they can call me or text me or email or whatever, I can't keep being the one doing all the work. Maybe my expectations are too high, I don't know, but I am exhausted from trying to keep my friends. Friends are supposed to be there for you, I shouldn't have to beg for attention. Last year at this time I had people calling me all the time and now because I am healthy I get nothing, it really sucks. A couple weeks ago I paid to see a movie that I had already seen, and I paid more, just to spend some time with someone that I have only gotten to see one or two other times this year. I didn't tell her, and I actually did want to see the movie again, but still. Who knows when I will see her again. Who knows when I will see anyone. I have tried and I am done. Now I know at least one of my friends still reads this and I want you to know, this really isn't meant for you, you actually contact me on your own from time to time and you have a husband and a job and all so just know this isn't directed towards you!
And for those of you reading this that also have tumors, I hope you have a good support system, because dealing with this on your own really sucks! If anyone needs a friend you can feel free to contact me at braintumorsuck@yahoo.com (THERE IS ONLY ONE "S"). You can also used that address if you are interested in helping me start the foundation or if you are interested in the bracelets or rings. On the upside I did work out two days in a row and I plan on working out again today. And tomorrow I am supposed to get my Rock Band drums so that will cheer me up.
At least the friend who couldn't deal with my health issues has finally come around. We are talking again and its great to have him back in my life, unfortunately he lives 3,000 miles away.
Anyway, I have started taking my meds regularly again and hopefully this sadness will pass again because I really liked NOT feeling sad.
As far as my loneliness, I need to learn to live with it. I have tried so many times to keep in touch with people and I am tired of them not reciprocating so here's the situation. I give up. If anyone wants to be my friend they can call me or text me or email or whatever, I can't keep being the one doing all the work. Maybe my expectations are too high, I don't know, but I am exhausted from trying to keep my friends. Friends are supposed to be there for you, I shouldn't have to beg for attention. Last year at this time I had people calling me all the time and now because I am healthy I get nothing, it really sucks. A couple weeks ago I paid to see a movie that I had already seen, and I paid more, just to spend some time with someone that I have only gotten to see one or two other times this year. I didn't tell her, and I actually did want to see the movie again, but still. Who knows when I will see her again. Who knows when I will see anyone. I have tried and I am done. Now I know at least one of my friends still reads this and I want you to know, this really isn't meant for you, you actually contact me on your own from time to time and you have a husband and a job and all so just know this isn't directed towards you!
And for those of you reading this that also have tumors, I hope you have a good support system, because dealing with this on your own really sucks! If anyone needs a friend you can feel free to contact me at braintumorsuck@yahoo.com (THERE IS ONLY ONE "S"). You can also used that address if you are interested in helping me start the foundation or if you are interested in the bracelets or rings.
On the upside I did work out two days in a row and I plan on working out again today. And tomorrow I am supposed to get my Rock Band drums so that will cheer me up.
At least the friend who couldn't deal with my health issues has finally come around. We are talking again and its great to have him back in my life, unfortunately he lives 3,000 miles away.