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Lots of questions, not enough time to answer

Posted Aug 24 2008 11:28pm
Today's a packing/sorting day. I've had a hard time focusing today. It didn't occur to me until my mom said that it's been one week since Joshua died. Wow. I can't believe I didn't realize it. But I feel very out of sorts today. Not sure what exactly is going on here. I know it's probably "Joshua-Stuff" as I term it when Matt asks, "What's wrong?". That's code for, "I don't know what's going on, I'm out of sorts, I miss him, but I can't decide what to do about it." It happened before Joshua was born, after he was born, and it's happening now that he's gone. It's never one particular emotion, but I get sort of spacey and can't focus on anything. I get fidgety, but I'm lazy at the same time. It's "Joshua-Stuff".

One question that I wanted to answer - because I've been thinking about it myself - is:

**How's Heather (his nurse) doing?

To be honest, I'm not sure. When she came to his funeral, she brought her husband with her. I thought that was so special, because I realized she's been going home at night and telling her family (11 and 14 yr olds) about Joshua. She brought her daughter with her, who is a nurse in the neurosurgery ward of Starship (the hospital Joshua would have been at - had surgery been an option). She got personally involved. And I know it's hard for her. All I know as of today is that she was bawling at his funeral, came through the receiving line, gave me a huge "I-don't-want-to-let-go" hug and left. I know it was hard for her - I could see it. I think it's hard for her in some ways (just my guess) because her daughter (above) is my age - maybe it hits home more when it's someone close to your children's age.

I know for myself, when Tarah lost Gideon, I was much more personally attached than some of my friends because I was pregnant with Oceana.

And I know that Heather actually loved Joshua. And I'm so glad she did. Because I know she wouldn't have made an effort the way she did if she didn't love him. But it's gotta be hard to have your work be so close to you. To be so painful. I think she reads this blog - I hope I didn't make her cry by writing this. If I did - Sorry Heather.

Blogland - I'm not gonna mince words - Heather is the primary reason Joshua stayed with us so long! She saved his life more than once. And I believe that wholeheartedly. She was an ABSOLUTE GODSEND. Xo Heather.
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