''Leave the outcome to God,'' weighed heavily on my mind. One day, while walking around the pond, I asked myself, “Why wouldn't God want to heal me?” I thought He always wanted the best for His children and how did He possibly think I could be of use to Him as I was! Not able to think or speak well and my right arm just dangling by my side. I was sure He would want to make me whole again, and wanted Him to so badly! Then, I began remembering what I had written, ''.....God singles out people with disabilities for a very special purpose. They illustrate how when we are at our weakest, God’s grace and power are at their strongest.'' I knew this to be true because in II Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul writes that the Lord, in response to his asking that the thorn in his flesh be removed, answered him with, ''My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. I am proud of my weaknesses'' says Paul, ''because they mean a deeper experience of the power of Christ. My very weakness makes me strong in Him.
I certainly felt weak... and small. This illness was too big for me to handle by myself. I knew God loved me as His child and I realized now that He could handle my situation better than I could. Then, in remembering the Bible verse, Psalm 55:22, “Cast your burdens upon the Lord and He shall sustain you”. I cast my burden, my condition, on Him, onto His shoulders, from mine. I gave it all to the Lord and I believed that He took it.
Now our wants and burdens leaving
to His care who cares for all?
Cease she fearing, cease we grieving;
at His touch our burdens fall.
And He did sustain us, my family and me. He will sustain you, too, with strength and light when troubles or burdens come your way. Don't worry prematurely when you have neither strength nor light. But trust Him. And He is sure to supply the strength, the light and courage, when you need it, as He has promised.
I realized finally what God wanted of me. He wanted me to tell Him I trusted Him with my 1ife..... no matter what the outcome would be..... no matter whether He would heal me or not. So, in childlike trust upon His will, I surrendered to Him, yielding myself to His control to let “the Lord do that which is good in His sight”, I Chronicles 19:13. I accepted it from the hand of God and doubted not that it was good. I knew He expected me to do the best I could with my situation, with my therapy, etc. but then to trust Him to handle the things beyond my efforts and my control.
I had gone from resistance to complete surrender to His will.
The circumstances of my life were not altered. But I had taken my burden to the Lord, who sees the whole, over-all picture, and handed it over to him for his management, and believed that He took it and that He assumed all responsibility, and the worry and anxiety. No longer would I have to, by myself, fight the battle, day in and day out, of not knowing whether I would ever be able to lead a normal life again. He had the responsibility now; I gave it to Him to let Him do with what He knew would be best. He had my trust now, and I felt free to relax in Him trusting Him.
I felt a peace now... an inner peace... that only He can give....