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Posted Jan 27 2010 8:30pm

I don’t want to be nice.  I’m tired.  I’m fed up.  I’m hungry for powder sugared donuts. I’m tired of listening to critical, mean-spirited people who bitch and moan about things they have no control over.  I’m tired of being nice, being polite, pretending that my opinion isn’t one that matters.

Somehow my Asian mother influenced me into believing that I should smile, nod, listen and be understanding.  I’m tired of being understanding.  I’m tired of giving my energy units to other people so they can benefit while I am just being drained.  I think I need to go to Colorado – to look for wool – to shop for natural, soft, comforting fibre.

My gut is in a knot. My throat is tight.  I’m having trouble swallowing…yeah, I know that I should duck my chin and I wouldn’t choke on liquids so much – but I forget.  I forget sometimes  because I’m too damned tired of being so nice, smiling, and NOT telling the other person to SHUT UP!  So I forget to do what’s best for ME.  I go to auto-pilot and think about what’s best for the other person.  Well, this has to stop.

Last week I put 5 items on Freecycle for people to claim and then pick up.  One person bitched because I didn’t give her some item I didn’t even offer.  Then she’s emailed me 4 times to “clarify” that she wanted the item.  Sorry, sister, it was gone before your first email.  So, what did I do?  I emailed her and apologized for the misunderstanding.  I’m creepy…apologizing for that crap.  So, I’m angry with me….for being too nice – and for giving any energy unit to her to begin with.  Two other people left the items on my porch for 3 days.  I emailed them tonight and told them, come get it or I give it to someone else by the morning.  Stupid people.  I try to be nice and keep something from going into the dump and the ungrateful cretins can’t even keep an appointment.

Yes, I’m bitching and gritching on my blog tonight.  But the difference here is that I do have some control over this – so I can change.  I can be more thoughtful to me, limit the energy I waste on people who are unappreciative.  If I practice putting myself first then perhaps I won’t have to concentrate on how to swallow liquids.  If I practice putting myself first then perhaps I won’t give my energy, money, time and talents away to others so freely.  Then I won’t feel so cheated, violated and unappreciated.  You see, in the end, the love we take is equal to the love we make.  And it’s time I made some love for me.

Posted in Anger, Attitude, Cheaters & Liars, Parkinson's Disease, Peace, Try to remember.....
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