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Jealous: Adjusting After Brain Surgery

Posted Aug 25 2008 6:28pm

JEALOUS

I was certainly glad to be home, but things didn't seem like they had before I left. I had been ''the lady of the house”; I had bought our own groceries; I had taken the responsibility of running my own home. But now things were different! There were two other ladies taking my place! I understood the necessity of having them but..........

There had been so many changes; everything seemed different now.

More and more I was realizing the wide gulf between what I could do and what I no longer would be able to do. I still couldn't read or enjoy TV and not having yet learned to do anything with my left hand I had nothing to do. I mean absolutely nothing! I was so bored and was getting weaker and weaker, first from the operation and over three weeks stay in the hospital, and now, from lack of exercise.

As I sat around the house with nothing to do in those tight, white, support hose with my leg propped up, my mind blank and just staring into space,, I could hear Jack and his new part-time secretary laughing and talking with each other in his office and sounding like they were having such a good time. As the days went by, I continued to hear them, day in and day out, talking and laughing while they worked together. I wanted so badly to be able to ta1k....... and laugh. It seemed that without speech I had lost contact with the outside world.

Back in my bedroom, by myself, I felt so lonesome and alone.

I began experiencing that same ''excluded'' feeling. I felt..........

.............jealous, I reckon. I had never been a jealous person before, and I didn’t want to be jealous now. But I guess I was ........... jealous of them having such a good time together. Jealous of anybody able to talk and laugh and feel like having fun. I certainly was no fun! Nor was I young.......... or good looking. I was bald headed and had a big scar left from the incision. I couldn't think or talk or comprehend well enough to even follow a conversation, and I didn't feel good......... and I looked even worse. I would cry at the drop of a hat; in fact, there was just a fine line between my crying and my not crying. And I hated myself for feeling jealous.

I wrestled with my guilt; I didn't understand my feeling myself. I should have been happy that they could enjoy one another. That's what Jack would have said to me. But I was not happy. I felt isolated, afraid and alone. With not being able to communicate with others and not able to express my hurts, I found myself in a lonesome little world..................a1l by myself.

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