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I used to care… now I take a pill for that ;)

Posted Feb 08 2013 9:43am

A little helper…

I recently saw this slogan on a t-shirt, and it made me laugh. And then I found this image >>

It’s kind of how I’m feeling, these days. Work is a roller-coaster with all the changes going on. One minute, I’ve got a promotion… the next, I might be re-assigned to my old work, but I don’t know yet for sure… the next, people are talking trash about me behind my back… the next, they’re all nice and friendly and how-can-I-help-you.

Geez. What a monumental waste of time. I mean, I’ve got to make a living. Everybody’s got to make a living. But doing the whole political dance and song just irritates the living crap out of me.

So, I’m not going to bother. People at work are understandably anxious, upset, etc. I have too much work to do, to get into that. Life goes on. Things change. If someone can decide what the hell they want to happen, and then let me know, that will be great.

I seriously need a pill for this stuff. Because it’s taking a toll on my home life. I have been extremely difficult to live with, for the past few days — meltdowns coming out of nowhere — blindside — and a whole lot of anxiety all around, because of things in the past that seem like they’re happening all over again.

God, what a pain in the ass this TBI business is. I used to be better at this, but in the past years, I’ve become stupidly erratic with this stuff, and I find myself blowing up over stupid things that shouldn’t even phase me. If I could just have some peace… but all around me, I have to constantly parse out the messages and communications and signals from anxious, nervous, frightened people who are doing and saying some very unpredictable things. Sure, I can offer them some reassurance, and they can offer me good information. But it takes a lot of energy. And that drains me. I know I’m supposed to have “peace from within”… But all the extra activity demands more of my energy and attention, and it makes me nuts. It sucks the life out of what I want to be doing, and it just depletes me, so I have even less resources available for my loved ones. My moods are all over the place, my anxiety and temper has been spiking, and I am having trouble sleeping.

Others have this, I know — TBI or not — yet with me it gets so amplified, so exaggerated, and it also brings up a lot of old “stuff” about all the changes that put me over the edge, when I was first grappling with the TBI I had in 2004. That was brutal. Terrible. Life-threatening. And there’s still the residue of that old biochemical crap that’s rattlin’ ’round in my nervous system.

Joy.

If only a pill could make it all go away… but I know it can’t and it won’t. Plus, TBI makes me extremely sensitive to pharmaceuticals, so even if there were a pill for this, I probably couldn’t take it without it completely knocking me for a loop, which is never good.

Anyway, so it goes. Life goes on. Changes happen. The main thing is that I keep calm and centered and don’t lose it over stupid sh*t… and that I don’t project and make all sorts of scenarios up in my mind, which is the most dangerous thing of all. Because then I end up reacting to all sorts of things that never will happen, and I waste a ton of energy on stuff that should not even be on my radar.

The least (and most) I can do is just keep steady and only think about the things that actually ARE happening. Right here, right now, right in front of me. To do anything else, would be punishing myself unnecessarily. And there’s no point in that. After all, when I punish myself, it’s not only me who suffers — it’s everyone around me who has to deal with a lunatic who’s unbalanced themself over nothing much at all.

Ah well. So it goes.

Onward.


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