Health knowledge made personal
Join this community!
› Share page:
Go
Search posts:

Harsh Words Causes Hurt Heart...

Posted May 10 2009 11:37pm
Have you ever had your feelings so hurt that you worry that you might not ever get over the hurt? And when it is someone you love so very much it seems like it is so much worse.

Today has been a really hurtful day with Philip . To be honest I am so upset I am shaking . I KNOW in my heart that Philip is just a kid who is scared and hurting. He is worn down and in pain and scared. I GET that. I feel awful that he is hurting in so many ways. And I would do anything to help fix this for him. I have tried my best from day one...always.

Today has been one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time. And I just hate feeling how I feel tonight. I am sad, hurt and a little angry with Philip. That is a hard mixture. I will admit I am really tired tonight. I have been sick this weekend and just worn out. I know that this makes everything seem worse...but in my mind..I am not sure things can get much worse.

As most of you know Philip is having a operation on Tuesday. This is a really complicated operation and was not a easy decision to make for Philip or for us as his family. The steps leading up to this operation have been long and hard...The decision was not taken lightly. In fact I have spent many sleepless nights praying and worrying about what the right answer is...

Tonight something set set Philip off...and it just got ugly mean and hurtful.

By the time he was done..He had told me that he blames Jim and I for his stroke that happen at 6 months old...he said that if we had put the shunt in at 6 weeks he would not of had the scare tissue and needed a second operation. Ouch.

Then he followed into how if I had given him the stronger medication in the beginning his arm might not of gotten so bad and he would not of needed this operation. His condition is just that a condition..not based on pain meds. There was a ISSUE where I held back some of Philip's meds because I thought he was over medicated. I still stand beside that. And watching him detox and act the way he is tonight...tells me that maybe mom did know best. But being in the frame of mind Philip was tonight...he decided that that me not giving the stronger pain meds caused his condition. And while I know this is crazy talk...I still let it hurt me..why why why..

Then he decided he would not have the operation. That if he did and he got a shunt infection he could die and that it would be my fault ..cause....well I am not sure why...but in his mind tonight...it is my fault...

Then he said that all I seem to care about is my cancer..ouch...ouch..and wow..I so shove my illness aside it is not even funny. I go and go and go until I can go no more. I do not say that as a bragging..I say that as a fact of being a mom. He said that I had no idea what it was like to be "really " sick....ouch again...while I do not want to make a big deal about the cancer..It does hurt me when it seems that it is made out to be a non issue. I mean 3 major operation..another one in weeks and treatments weekly...It has not been easy...and I resented the comments. And yet I feel foolish feeling so hurt...

I calm told him it was his decision to not have the operation BUT he would not be able to stay on the high doses of medications..because his liver and kidneys were not handling it well. I told him to think it through and to make a decision. He then went into the I would not need it if and if and if and if..if you mom had done this and not done this and could fix this and not fix that and this.AKA.. MOM is the WORSE ...

Then he comes in and says..what time is my blood work and EKG for my operation...God Please give me some calm thoughts.

Now I KNOW that this is detox...sick..nerves...scared...fear...and frustration. I get that..I know that...but deep down..my heart hurts...I hate that a line was crossed with things said..even though I know why they were said. My feelings are hurt. I ended up breaking down..crying for hours. I feel like a failure in so many areas of my life..and I just wish I could run away and give up.


I love Philip with every fiber of my heart. I have fought for him from the day I found out he was sick. I made the best decisions I knew how to make with the information I had. Do I wish I could go back and change some things..heck yes. But I did the best I could with what I had at the time..and now I do better with what I know now.

I would like to think Philip does not blame us for the stroke. But the very fact I heard him even say those words tonight..was so hurtful It shocks me..and maybe part of me thinks if he even thought it to say it when he was mad or upset...he must believe it on some part...maybe not..I hope not. Can you imagine if he did believe that...it would crush me..

Through the years...Philip has spoken to Dr and counselors..so he has had qualified people to help him with everything. But in truth...you can talk about it all you want...living it is the really hard part...

I have a feeling none of what I wrote here makes sense...I have a feeling maybe I should not even post this. It makes Philip look not so sweet and we all know he is a loving sweet young man. It makes me look like a whiny mom..and we all know...oh...we all know that maybe lately I am just that.

As a mom I am asking you to please pray for me and my heart. I am hurt..I am sad..I am scared for his operation and I will be honest to say I am a little mad with Philip. I know I need to let go of my feelings based on what was said tonight...it was a emotional outburst that I think he could not help. But it still hurt all the same..and somehow I wonder maybe if some of what he said tonight he believes...maybe he does blame us...that breaks my heart...

Please pray for Philip. I know he is just scared and frustrated. He is such a sweet loving son. And I know that he is struggling with the detox and pain. It is just so hard to watch him suffer. I wish I knew what I could do to help him. Somehow I just can not understand how this is right...

My heart needs help tonight. I sat and prayed for God to help me tonight because I feel like I am at the end of my rope...

There I said it and I think I am going to hit publish instead of delete.
Post a comment
Write a comment: