I normally don’t mark the passing of time in terms of weeks and half weeks, but this is one of those weeks when everything feels intense and heavy and like a LOT of work. It IS a lot of work, I know. And when I’m in a groove, I don’t feel the burn so intensely. But still. It’s a LOT of work.
I’m coordinating a couple of big projects with a bunch of people – about 15 of them, in all. There are different parts of the projects that each person handles, and I’m at the center of it all, keeping things running. Me, of all people. It’s pretty funny to think of it — just a few short years ago, I was convinced that I was useless in this respect. That’s all changed, of course, but when I’m not up to my eyeballs in work-work-work, the panic sets in… I talk myself down… I get some food and/or some rest… and I go back into the midst of it.
So it goes. On good days, I feel strong and resolute and I feel like everything is coming together. In the tougher moments, waves of anxiety roll over me, and I am tired… so tired. But I know that it’s just the fatigue, as well as all the demons chasing around in my head, and those messages I’ve heard so often over the years that I have to just plain ignore, because they are not going away.
The one thing that saves me is remembering, this is all just a bunch of experiences – it’s lessons I need to learn along the way, and what I don’t know now, I will learn for tomorrow. It’s a process, it takes time. And it takes effort and application. It’s not going away.
See, here’s the thing — I need to learn… an awful lot, as it turns out. And learning for me is not always easy. I can be hard-headed and stubborn, set in my ways, and thin-skinned. I am quick to tell myself that I’m damaged, broken, incapable, a loser. It’s just habit. And breaking old bad habits is not always easy. But this is all learning, it’s all moving from where I am to where I’m going, and if that means I learn that it’s better to get to bed early and start fresh in the morning, instead of pushing myself till 1 a.m. (like I did last night), then that’s how it is. I have my limits, and I need to respect them. When I don’t, unfortunate things happen (like me feeling like shite all day today).
It’s all lessons. It’s all learning. It’s all experiences. Nothing more. I can make of them what I will, and I can decide for myself what it all means. I can choose to go easy and be my own best friend and advocate, or I can choose to ride myself as I’ve done for so many years in the past, and make myself miserable in the process.
Tonight, I’m choosing something that makes sense for me — common sense. I’m calling it a night early and getting some danged sleep. In the morning I will be better. But right now, I’m a little worse for wear.
So, off to bed I go. The folks I need to contact will still be there in the morning.
I’m sure they’d rather hear from me when I’m coherent