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Disappointment, Confusion, Anger, Frustration, and Hope

Posted Jan 17 2009 1:51am
Back in October I filed for an unemployment extension and I thought it went through. When I realized it hadn't gone through I decided to go for disability because I thought maybe that was why the unemployment didn't go through, so I could go back on disability so that I could use that to get my health insurance extended. Then I get the first disability check and realize the money was half what I was getting in unemployment and only a third of what I was getting previously on disability so I figured I was meant to sell stuff, you know, purge the unnecessary things from my life, get rid of the clutter and all that. I came to terms with all the bad things that kept getting thrown at me. The latest thing was this week I went to my health insurance to hand in the disability stubs because I was offered a temp office job that was to start next week. I went in yesterday and they told me that the disability stubs weren't acceptable. The problem was, and there was no way I could have foreseen this, was that my previous disability extension ended 10/31/08, although I collected my last disability check from then in march 2008, and since this claim started on 10/29/08 there was an overlap. Technical error to say the least but they could not help me. I cried. I couldn't believe it. I finally had the chance to take a job for 2 months and if I did I would lose my health insurance for at least two months. Question is, is it worth it? So I went to my union and told them my dilemma. They put me on an ASAP call list with a note that I need insurance hours so hopefully I will be able to work the 105 hours I need to work in the next month. And if I am able to do that I will make the same money as the temp job because it only takes me 2 days to make what it would have taken me a week to make on that job.

Now when I first heard that my disability was for nothing, I mean I was not looking for a job and was only getting $200 a week because I thought it was going to continue my insurance, it really upset me. Another hit. How much more did I have to take? When was something good going to happen? Seriously? Then I came home and called my friend and told her what happened and she pointed out the good points to it, things I never even thought of. If I hadn't gotten offered the temp job I never would have found out about my insurance in time and it really gave me a good kick in the butt to get faxing my resumes and everything! That never occurred to me. So yeah, I need to get off my ass and start getting out there, faxing my resume and hounding the union about getting me a job. So, I guess, in a way its a good thing! So I spent all afternoon faxing my resume to every show I could get a number for. Now I have never gotten a job this way, but just putting it out into the universe like that is enough to get something! The last time I faxed out my resume I ended up with a full time job on a show that I didn't fax my resume to because someone referred me. So, something should come of this. And the union said it is starting to get busier so more work should be coming up. Now what I really need to do is get working on getting back into shape, working out on the treadmill and doing strength training because I am really out of shape right now! I know its going to be hard and its going to wear me out, but I think my brain has healed enough to be able to handle it. And if it gets to be too much, I will cut back on the hours I take.

My biggest problem right now is that I had to lie to my mother. She is leaving to go on a cruise tomorrow and up until she heard that I had a job she said she wasn't going to be able to enjoy the cruise knowing that I was hurting for money. So I lied and told her I was still taking the job so she would enjoy the cruise. When she gets back, hopefully I will have worked at least a day or two by then so I can tell her I did it for that! She took such good care of me when I was sick I just want her to enjoy herself! I am trying not to worry about money, I supposedly sold my drum kit. I was supposed to receive payment this week, but just received an email today apologizing that it will now be coming next week- don't worry I still have the drums! I just thought I would have the money by now, yet another thing that went wrong! I can't help but focus on the bad because that is all that there seems to be. I really just would like one good thing, one close friend or someone to love, I really don't think thats too much to ask after all I've been through! I'm just saying!
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