Depression

I had the hardest time getting out of bed today. Just didn't want to do it. My cat tried to keep me up, then she gave up. I hit the snooze button so many times it gave up! Finally got out of bed 2 hours after my alarm. Came downstairs and laid down on the couch and watched tv. I also had a hard time getting to sleep last night. When I got home from the BBQ, although I had fun, I let it get to me. It hadn't gone as I had hoped and it never does so I got depressed, again. I can blame hormones, a little, it is that time of month. i just really hate feeling this way, but how can I change it? I try, I get out there, and I never get anything in return. I appreciate the fact that I got invited to the BBQ, but the woman is my mom's age, so I doubt we will be close friends. Her daughter is a decade younger than me, and I haven't heard from any of my other friends in a week. I let everyone know that I want to get together and that I am free anytime and still nothing. I pray over and over for just one person, one friend to see me thru this and nothing. I even begged God to take me or give me someone and nothing. So does that mean I just have to be patient or that there is no one listening? I know that there has been a force out there timing everything. I mean I didn't start getting the seizures until I joined the union and knew I would get insurance and I got insurance before the seizures became really bad and everything seemed to be perfectly timed. Plus I always seem to get money or a job just in time so that I don't lose my apartment or car. But, as they say, money can't buy happiness. So what is the point of being ok financially if I have no one, not even a friend, to share my good fortune with?

There is this trip to Palm Springs that all the girls from the web show are taking. Its a big weekend for lesbians and I told the producer that I would really like to go. I told her that last year was hell and I would really like to do some living this year. She said she would see what she could do. Later that night she made it seem that it was between me and this other girl. Well a few days later she told the other girl that she couldn't go, I was standing right there, but to me it sounded like she was only talking to that girl, but she never said anything to me one way or another. I still haven't heard. I even told her I would sleep in a bathtub! Well, the trip is not this weekend but the next and since I haven't heard anything I guess I'm not going. Oh well, not meant to be, just like everything else. I hate this feeling. Maybe I should start seeing a therapist again, sometimes i am up and sometimes I am down. It sucks.

TTFN