Health knowledge made personal
Join this community!
› Share page:
Go
Search posts:

Confessions of a compulsive list-maker

Posted Nov 04 2009 10:04pm

I admit it – I’ve grown somewhat compulsive about my list-making.

I created a “master list” that I use to track my daily productivity — and to make sure I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. I also have separate lists for work things and home things.

I have lists that track the longer-term and more complex items that are on my to-do agenda: clean my study, file my taxes, fix the broken faucet in the kitchen, sell extra items I have lying around the house online.

I also have lists that detail “big picture” things I need to do — like clarify my Life’s Work, strengthen skills I need for long-term employment, and distant goals in the future.

Now, it may seem like a lot — and on some days, it is. But frankly, if I didn’t keep these lists, things would fall off my plate and not get done. Things that need to be done — like fixing the faucet in the kitchen and filing my taxes and taking the trash to the dump. These are just things that regular people do, they’re just a part of life — and if I don’t write them down, they won’t get done. I’ll forget all about them, while I’m off doing something else that did get written down on one of my lists. Or something that looked like fun that popped up out of nowhere and pulled me off in a different direction… only to eventually dissipate and disappear into the aethers.

These lists are not only helpful in keeping me on track — they also help me monitor my fatigue level. And my overwhelm. When my lists start getting longer and longer and increasingly involved, I can tell that I’ve got too much on my plate and/or I need to spend some time catching up with myself. Having a lot of things on my list overtaxes my system, yes — but it’s not only a cause of fatigue and overwhelm. It’s also a symptom.

I can tell I’m getting over-tired and not taking quite as good care of myself as I should, if I start listing an increasing number of small steps in between big ones… or I list things that really don’t need to get done. When I start micro-managing myself and adding things to my plate “for the fun of it,” I can tell I’m getting off track, and I need to step back and reassess where I’m at — not just in relation to my tasks, but in relation to my life.

Here’s a healthy list:

  • Clean my study
  • Work on taxes
  • Fix faucet in the kitchen
  • List items for sale online

Here’s an un- healthy list:

  • Clean my study
    • Find bank statement folders for 2005
    • Organize letters from family
    • Collect all journals since 1994 and organize
    • Vacuum and dust
  • Work on taxes
    • Clear workspace on dining room table
    • Gather calculator, scrap paper, pencils with erasers
    • Defrag computer
  • Fix faucet in the kitchen
    • Locate wrenches
    • Buy parts at hardware store
    • Clear out sink to make space
  • List items for sale online
    • Take pictures of items
    • Download to computer
    • Crop and edit photos
    • Write up text for ad
    • Research comparable prices
    • Check email regularly after listing to see if there are any takers

It’s not that these steps aren’t all appropriate. Some of them are, and some of them aren’t. The point is, when I get to the point where I’m writing down every last little thing I need to do (sometimes I go so far as to specify which jeans and boots I’ll be wearing when I mow the lawn), it’s an indicator that my brain is not trusting itself with relatively basic details and it is compensating in advance for problems it’s anticipating. That means it has an inkling that it’s having problems, and I need to listen to that – pay attention to the signals and signs, and adjust accordingly.

The way I adjust is by taking time off. Stepping back and pacing myself. Not getting so wound up and frantic over every little thing that I can’t function unless I’m giving myself explicit instructions down to the most minute detail, but breathing deeply and relaxing and just thinking things through, before I get started with them. When my brain is in decent working order, I don’t need to have every little action item outlined for me. I can identify the big things, the main activities, and then work from there, stopping frequently to check in with myself about how I’m doing… and not being afraid to step away for a break, because I know I’ll come back to finish the job.

I suppose it’s about trusting myself… knowing my limits… and recognizing the signs of overwhelm — while it’s happening, while it’s building, and before it snowballs into a massive Sisyphusean boulder of hurt-in-the-making.

Yes, those lists do come in handy… so long as I don’t  become too dependent on them and let them take over my life.

‘Cause when the lists do take over my life, I end up being so busy keeping them updated, that I actually get less done. And then I’m upset with myself at the end of the day. And that’s not good. The point of the lists is to get things done, not keep more lists. The point is to live life, not just observe it. The point is to establish a real connection with what I do, how I do it, and why I do it, and inject some consciousness, already, into the whole act of living. It’s about turning work into art, life into art, and using extra tools — in this case, lists — to deepen my involvement in my daily life, which can (when I ignore it or gloss over it) can rapidly get away from me.

Anyway, last night — after not getting much of anything done and realizing I’d spent a whole day tracking my progress, instead of making progress — the following occurred to me about my lists. And I quote from my journal:

It’s quite simple, really.

It’s (list-making) not just about keeping lists and checking off items and critiquing myself at every turn.

It’s much more about paying attention to your life. Not taking things for granted. It’s about participating in your own daily activities with full consciousness and mindfulness.

And learning along the way.

It’s about having a fully involved life that you live by choice, not by default. About being open to experience and not falling back on rote repetition of someone else’s ideas about what your life should be like and what should matter to you.

Indeed, tracking what I’m doing, how well I’m doing it, and understanding why I’m doing it in the first place gives me a safe and convenient and tangible connection to my life. It relieves me of the pressure of keeping everything up in my head, and it helps me see — right there in front of me in living color (green for success, orange for still-in-progress, and neon pink for rats-didn’t-work-out-I’ll-try-again-tomorrow) — how my life is shaping up, where I’m doing well, where I’m falling down, and how I can do better next time.

Ultimately, this record-keeping compulsion serves a very useful purpose, in showing me where I’m at… Where I’ve been… How I got here… And where I think I should go next.

Onward…

I admit it – I’ve grown somewhat compulsive about my list-making.

I created a “master list” that I use to track my daily productivity — and to make sure I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. I also have separate lists for work things and home things.

I have lists that track the longer-term and more complex items that are on my to-do agenda: clean my study, file my taxes, fix the broken faucet in the kitchen, sell extra items I have lying around the house online.

I also have lists that detail “big picture” things I need to do — like clarify my Life’s Work, strengthen skills I need for long-term employment, and distant goals in the future.

Now, it may seem like a lot — and on some days, it is. But frankly, if I didn’t keep these lists, things would fall off my plate and not get done. Things that need to be done — like fixing the faucet in the kitchen and filing my taxes and taking the trash to the dump. These are just things that regular people do, they’re just a part of life — and if I don’t write them down, they won’t get done. I’ll forget all about them, while I’m off doing something else that did get written down on one of my lists. Or something that looked like fun that popped up out of nowhere and pulled me off in a different direction… only to eventually dissipate and disappear into the aethers.

These lists are not only helpful in keeping me on track — they also help me monitor my fatigue level. And my overwhelm. When my lists start getting longer and longer and increasingly involved, I can tell that I’ve got too much on my plate and/or I need to spend some time catching up with myself. Having a lot of things on my list overtaxes my system, yes — but it’s not only a cause of fatigue and overwhelm. It’s also a symptom.

I can tell I’m getting over-tired and not taking quite as good care of myself as I should, if I start listing an increasing number of small steps in between big ones… or I list things that really don’t need to get done. When I start micro-managing myself and adding things to my plate “for the fun of it,” I can tell I’m getting off track, and I need to step back and reassess where I’m at — not just in relation to my tasks, but in relation to my life.

Here’s a healthy list:

  • Clean my study
  • Work on taxes
  • Fix faucet in the kitchen
  • List items for sale online

Here’s an un- healthy list:

  • Clean my study
    • Find bank statement folders for 2005
    • Organize letters from family
    • Collect all journals since 1994 and organize
    • Vacuum and dust
  • Work on taxes
    • Clear workspace on dining room table
    • Gather calculator, scrap paper, pencils with erasers
    • Defrag computer
  • Fix faucet in the kitchen
    • Locate wrenches
    • Buy parts at hardware store
    • Clear out sink to make space
  • List items for sale online
    • Take pictures of items
    • Download to computer
    • Crop and edit photos
    • Write up text for ad
    • Research comparable prices
    • Check email regularly after listing to see if there are any takers

It’s not that these steps aren’t all appropriate. Some of them are, and some of them aren’t. The point is, when I get to the point where I’m writing down every last little thing I need to do (sometimes I go so far as to specify which jeans and boots I’ll be wearing when I mow the lawn), it’s an indicator that my brain is not trusting itself with relatively basic details and it is compensating in advance for problems it’s anticipating. That means it has an inkling that it’s having problems, and I need to listen to that – pay attention to the signals and signs, and adjust accordingly.

The way I adjust is by taking time off. Stepping back and pacing myself. Not getting so wound up and frantic over every little thing that I can’t function unless I’m giving myself explicit instructions down to the most minute detail, but breathing deeply and relaxing and just thinking things through, before I get started with them. When my brain is in decent working order, I don’t need to have every little action item outlined for me. I can identify the big things, the main activities, and then work from there, stopping frequently to check in with myself about how I’m doing… and not being afraid to step away for a break, because I know I’ll come back to finish the job.

I suppose it’s about trusting myself… knowing my limits… and recognizing the signs of overwhelm — while it’s happening, while it’s building, and before it snowballs into a massive Sisyphusean boulder of hurt-in-the-making.

Yes, those lists do come in handy… so long as I don’t  become too dependent on them and let them take over my life.

‘Cause when the lists do take over my life, I end up being so busy keeping them updated, that I actually get less done. And then I’m upset with myself at the end of the day. And that’s not good. The point of the lists is to get things done, not keep more lists. The point is to live life, not just observe it. The point is to establish a real connection with what I do, how I do it, and why I do it, and inject some consciousness, already, into the whole act of living. It’s about turning work into art, life into art, and using extra tools — in this case, lists — to deepen my involvement in my daily life, which can (when I ignore it or gloss over it) can rapidly get away from me.

Anyway, last night — after not getting much of anything done and realizing I’d spent a whole day tracking my progress, instead of making progress — the following occurred to me about my lists. And I quote from my journal:

It’s quite simple, really.

It’s (list-making) not just about keeping lists and checking off items and critiquing myself at every turn.

It’s much more about paying attention to your life. Not taking things for granted. It’s about participating in your own daily activities with full consciousness and mindfulness.

And learning along the way.

It’s about having a fully involved life that you live by choice, not by default. About being open to experience and not falling back on rote repetition of someone else’s ideas about what your life should be like and what should matter to you.

Indeed, tracking what I’m doing, how well I’m doing it, and understanding why I’m doing it in the first place gives me a safe and convenient and tangible connection to my life. It relieves me of the pressure of keeping everything up in my head, and it helps me see — right there in front of me in living color (green for success, orange for still-in-progress, and neon pink for rats-didn’t-work-out-I’ll-try-again-tomorrow) — how my life is shaping up, where I’m doing well, where I’m falling down, and how I can do better next time.

Ultimately, this record-keeping compulsion serves a very useful purpose, in showing me where I’m at… Where I’ve been… How I got here… And where I think I should go next.

Onward…

Post a comment
Write a comment:

Related Searches