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Posted Jan 31 2012 12:00am
So here I am thinking I will try to start blogging again.  It is hard for me for a few reasons.  The truth is I am feeling like so many things have changed that I am not sure who I am any longer.  I am working on finding out who I am and what makes me who I am.  I have felt like I am living in a fog these past few years and as I am working my way out...I am scared because reality can be hard .
I have a habit of shoving my feelings way down  deep and the worrying non stop till it eats away at me. I feel empty some days except for the what ifs'.  I wish I was a pull the band aide off girl .
The truth is after 24 years of marriage I am getting a divorce.  It is not something I am happy or excited about.  In fact I lay awake at night and worry non stop  about what is going to happen to me and the kids.  But I KNOW that I am doing the right thing for me and the kids. Sometimes just because it is the right thing does not make it feel any better.
I guess the truth is..I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and it is the right thing...but I am not sure how I will handle the reality of being a single mom with 4 children.  I know I need to find a job...I have spent years taking care of Philip and did not work.  I guess I really did prepare myself for the idea of a future alone.
I know many of you wonder about the family and such.  I will blog more about that later ...but for now I wanted to let you know I am healthier and working myself back to the old me.  Philip is struggling and without a miracle he is not going to have much change. Cole Tre is much better on a daily basis.  We have to watch him very close with his lungs and such. But he is cute as can be. Emily just turned 15  yesterday and is spunky as can be.  And Reed is working on figuring out his plans after graduation next year...He is looking at Culinary school and /or the military.

One last thing...I would REALLY like to re do my blog...if anyone knows anyone who does it and is not very expensive...please let me know.  To be honest this blog make me screams WHEN things were back the way they were...Fresh start needed all the way around..
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