Wow, I can really tell I’ve been away. My head is in a whirl, thinking about a ton of different things, not staying “on point” very well. I have a lot of chores and errands I need to do today, to get myself and my house back up to speed, but I’m scattered. And I’m not sleeping well. The trip really took a lot out of me. It’s going to take me a while to get back.
I met with my neuropsych last week, and we discussed how I’m doing and where I’m at — after my last set of test results, which came back great, they’re feeling pretty good about my situation… as far as they can tell. I did mention, however, that things have been less than rosy in a number of different areas. In the past few years, I’ve been hounded by creditors, threatened by lawyers, dragged into court several times, had a close call with a suspected cancer scare, I’ve been dissed and demoted at my job, cheated on by my spouse (who is making increasingly baddecisions in their life, I’m sorry to say), betrayed by “good” friends, had a few run-ins with police, my money is at an all-time low just as I have house repairs I need to make, I can’t sleep for shit, and I have had a ton of physical pain.
My neuropsych is actually unaware of most of this. And they got a bit upset when I mentioned dealing with lawyers over money, the other day. They asked if I was keeping things from them. It’s not that I “keep things from them” — well, maybe I do — but I just can’t deal with all the processing around such things. It’s way too overwhelming, and when I discuss things with people in person, it usually gets me even more confused and turned around, and it keeps me from being able to just handle things. I guess I’m too independent for that.
I’m also a very non-verbal person, when I’m not writing in this blog. Most of my problem-solving for Really Big Deals takes place with visuals and pictures and non-verbal / spatial conceptualizations — I have a very clear view of how I’m going to do things, step by step, and that view is spatial & logistical, not verbal. When I try to put it all into words in conversation, it’s just too confusing for me, and it blocks my progress. I can never articulate exactly what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing, and it ends up sounding lame — like I’m just complaining.
I also have a hard time discussing things while they’re happening – I need some space from them, to get my head around them and understand how I feel about them. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed, and I end up shutting down or breaking down, neither of which is helpful for me. So, when I talk about Reall Big Things, it’s usually after the fact. It’s just how I am. It’s not a trust thing. It’s logistics. So my neuropsych can quit being so sensitive and feeling left out. They just need to let me do what I need to do, and provide support and feedback only for what I want to bring up.
Yeah, my life is way more eventful than it “should” be. It’s way more eventful than I would like it to be. Oh, well.
Not that I’m complaining. On the contrary. Things are sh*tty, but I feel good. And I think that because my mood is good and my ability to function and my self-confidence have all improved vastly over the past several years – especially since I started this whole tbi recovery process – they think that things are much better than they are.
Objectively speaking, if you look at things from a certain angle, they actually suck bilgewater. A lot of people I know would be totally traumatized by the stuff that’s going on with me. And I don’t think my neuropsych has the first clue that so much is falling to pieces with me. I just haven’t talked about it much because I can’t wrap my head around it, and I’d rather just soldier through than process it and discuss. It would take 20 hours a week to sort through it all, and I just don’t have that kind of time.
But on the other hand, if you look at things differently, everything is good – excellent – very hopeful (!). I have a ton of great prospects, I’m engaged in my life, I’m learning, and I’m not thrown off by all this stuff. Not completely, anyway. I’m hangin’ in there, and things are progressing. I’m like an action figure / folk hero. At least in my mind Nothing valuable comes for free. It just doesn’t. I reckon, I’m getting what I pay for.
Plus, after a really intense bout of depression the other night, I decided to just say f*ck it all and give up … for the time being. Just quit trying to make everything turn out a different way, and pray more. Maybe start going to church again. I don’t know. I felt like sh*t, the other night, but I knew it would pass. I would get some sleep. I would wake up the next morning feeling different. I would get back into my routine. I would continue to brush up on my skills. And I’d just friggin’ let go of stuff I can’t control and seem to “handle”.
It worked, pretty much. I went to bed. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep – I’ve been waking up at 4:30 like clockwork, lately, even if I just get in bed at 11:30 – and I felt like death warmed-over yesterday. And my frame of mind was better, but not stellar. But screw it, at least I got myself up and out in to the day. And I got a lot done, actually. That “giving up” business actually helped a bit. And despite the knee-deep manure I seem to be wading through at any given point in time, I’m hopeful. I’m cheery. I’m optimistic in a blithely pessimistic sort of way. My expectations are quite low. So when things go right — as they often do — it’s a wonderful surprise and a pick-me-up.
My state of mind notwithstanding, at least I’m on my way back to my regular routine now. Nothing is perfect. My life is a work in progress. And all this brouhaha has helped me develop a high tolerance for crazy crap happening all around me, so I don’t get completely derailed by it. I have a plan for moving forward. And I’m following my plan. So, it’s good. It’s fine. Some things really truly suck in my life, but I don’t feel like talking about those things right now. I’m going to focus on the good things. And get on with my life.