I had acupuncture again today and it was good! I was very relaxed afterwards. I wish I could get it again right now because I am very stressed! I bought a new power supply and I installed it and I just tried to turn on my computer and nothing happened!!!!! What the f*&%! I really hope I didn't fry the thing, if you have static it can ruin everything! I tried to be very careful. Ooh, I know, there was a button on the power supply that I think I need to push for it to work, I will try that and let you know!
For now lets talk about acupuncture. M is my acupuncturist. I like her, she is very kind and puts me at ease, even when I am stressed or sad. This week I have been very emotional, actually PMS, and she calms me. And she got me some herbs to try to relieve my sinus problems. Its called Cang Er San or Clear Sinus. She swears by it. Hopefully it will work because her needle trick for my sinuses only works when the needles are in. When she takes them out it all comes back. Plus it really hurts when she puts them in my face! I am sensitive! Today she had me lay on my stomach and she put needles in my back to relax me, plus some in my legs, arms, and head. I almost fell asleep! Afterwards, I met a friend and saw a movie, Vantage Point. My opinion, wait for dvd. It was not very good, and the plot device of rewinding everything to start over with a new point of view or "vantage point" was ok the first time, but by the fifth time it was very annoying! Once the movie got to the point where it could keep going it got a little better, but it was a bit predictable. And I didn't like the way it was filmed, don't know how to describe what I didn't like, but I didn't like it. There you have it, my review of Vantage Point.
Before I went to acupuncture I started getting a little sad. When I over think my life I tend to get sad. I have this quote written on a big dry erase board that is hanging on my wall. The quote says, "Open your eyes and you will undoubtedly see a hundred things you can and should express gratitude for. Do it." i don't know who said it, I got it out of a book, but I wrote it on the board to remind myself that I do have things to be thankful for. But when I start thinking I tend to dwell on the parts of my life that are bad, ie the brain tumors, the lack of companionship, the lack of work, etc... Then I get sad or bitter and angry, depends on my state of mind at the time. Today I got sad because all I could think about was how I am 37 years old and have never had a relationship. I can count on one hand the number of times I've woken up beside someone. I sit on my couch night after night wondering if I will ever meet anyone. Everyone says I need to get out more, so I do. I never turn down an invitation and I try to go out and do things with friends. I did that show last weekend just to make some friends (Oh I get to do it again wed and next sunday) and I have even tried to meet people online. I keep getting let down. Remember a while back I posed a question about when to let someone in on my brain tumors, and no one bothered to help at all, but anyway, I told S all about it and she wrote back quickly telling me that she was flattered that I told her, and impressed by my strength, then she wrote me one time after that and after I wrote her back asking her to tell me a little something about her she never responded. I am tired of that happening, that was the second time in 6 months. I have been working on being alone and being ok with that. I am actually doing much better than a little over a year ago. Back then I would drink every night to deal with the loneliness. I haven't had a drink in over a year, granted its because of the meds I'm on, but I haven't turn to other forms of self medicating. I could very well start smoking again, or start smoking pot, or whatever, but I deal sober. And most of the time I am ok. It does suck that everywhere you go you see couples on tv, in the movies, on the radio are songs about love, people walking hand in hand down the street, etc... The only way to get away from it is to play video games all day and I just might if I can ever get my computer to work! But even when you talk to someone you haven't talked to in awhile, a major question that gets asked is "are you seeing anyone?" its really hard to get away from. And where are the shows or movies that say its ok to be alone? They don't exist. If they do, please tell me so I can watch them! And if I'm not all about the being alone I go to how I have brain tumors. I think I am doing well, but then I realized I have gained a lot of weight this year, and I cannot afford to gain weight, I was already overweight. I have been overweight since the third grade. I remember when I was younger, praying that I would get sick so I could lose weight. Never happened. I actually wanted a disease that could cause me to lose weight. And then one day I actually do get sick, but I get something that causes me to gain weight because I can't exercise like I use to. I once lost 40lbs by doing Tae Bo. I can't do Tae Bo right now and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I gained 30lbs this past year! How is that fair? What is the grand scheme of all this? I don't get it. I move to CA and chase my dream, and its tough, I pay my dues working in a video store and movie theater and living with crappy roommates who helped drive me to bankruptcy. I have very few friends and even fewer lovers (I have had 3 in the 14 years I have been out here and 2 were one nighters) and after being here for ten years I realize that I am gay. I come out to myself and a few others, slowly coming out to people at work until I am out to just about everyone, except my parents (I think they might know but won't admit it which is why I'm not telling them- if I ever meet someone then I will tell them, but for now what's the point) I think maybe thats why I never met anyone and maybe now I will meet someone. I fall for a girl, I tell her, she blows me off. This happens over and over, its weird. They have all been gay but the moment they find out how I feel I never hear from them again. I even adopted Harden My Heart as my new theme song to try to toughen myself. I just can't go through that again. Everyone tells me that it happens when you least expect it. I never expect it! They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Of course all this advise comes from others who are in or have been in a relationship. I have a friend that was married for 17 years, granted not the best marriage, but still she just got divorced and she's dating someone already. I am VERY happy for her, don't get me wrong, she is awesome and totally deserves to be happy, but I still can't help but think, when do I get to be happy? In meditation class the teacher says it is wanting things that keeps us unhappy and that to truly be happy we should only wish for things for others, not ourselves. OK. But still... And to top it all off I get brain tumors! Like my weight and self consciousness wasn't enough to keep me alone, now I have tumors in my head that cause me to lose my hair and walk with a cane and gain 30lbs! yeah, that is a great way to meet people!
I know this has been a very long rant, but it feels good to get it out. I have been thinking about seeing a therapist again, but a different one this time since the last one didn't know what to say to me, she even told me she had no idea what to say to me, then she wiped her eyes (she was crying a little for me) and gave me a hug! Not a very good therapist, or maybe at the time there really was nothing to say to me, I had just lost my job at the time and was finally dealing with the fact that I have tumors (this was in July) I have a degree in psychology and I have no idea what I would say to someone in my situation! I think I have handled things a lot better than I ever though I would, but sometimes I do get sad, and its healthy to get it out. That is what this blog is for. It helps, I feel much better now! Wow, I really needed to get all that out. Plus I actually came out here, I know there are some people from back home who read this who don't know and now they do. And if my parents ever find out about this they can find out this way too. I really am not looking forward to that day, although I guess it would be easier if I just told them now, I mean they can't stop talking to me while I have tumors in my brain can they?
Man I could really use a beer right about now! Ha! Just kidding. I am going to go push that button now and see if I will ever get to play this stupid video game!