Have you ever watched a video of yourself and though, who the hell is that? The other night I was doing a little workout while Alex laid in bed. He was busy taking video of himself and laughing away. I was busy sweating up a storm, but I couldn't help but smile at him being so silly. Until he said he was going to take video of me. Lord help me, the last thing I needed to watch was me doing jumping jacks. Shudder!
When he turned the camera towards me I jokingly reached toward him and hit the bed. I grabbed the phone out of his hands and turned the camera on him. Of course being the silly boy he is, he was laughing and playing along. But when I watched the video, I was terrified by what I saw. I looked so mad and angry. I literally scared myself. Then I just felt embarrassed and guilty.
I have been trying really hard to be nice and calm with the boys. But between a 7 year old who has a mad case of the "smart mouth" And a 4 year old that just now hit the terrible twos...yeah. Some days I feel like I yell more than anything. And that just breaks my heart. I don't want to be that mom.
Its pretty clear to see that I love my boys more than life itself. But seeing myself look like a mad woman, even though we were just playing, was like a slap in the face. I need to get my stuff together. Before I know it they will both be in school and I will be here all alone.
Tonight Alex is spending the night at grandmas house. And I am sitting here in bed realizing just how much I miss that crazy boy. After Anthony went to bed, the house was silent. I'm laying here alone. No little feet tickling me. No begging for my phone. Just silence. And I hate it.
I'm going to look at it as something to reflect on. A reminder to take a deep breath and enjoy the bad with the good. I know I am blessed beyond stars. Without my boys I'd be lost. Sometimes we just need a little reminder to step back from the every day routine and shake it up a bit. Have some fun. Relax and enjoy each other. Tomorrow is a new day!