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11 months and counting

Posted Feb 17 2011 1:01am
Its hard to think that next month will mark my 1 year mark on the Liver Transplant list. I wish I could say the time flew by.  It didn't.  Maybe its because Ive know for more than 2 years that I was going need a transplant but haven't been listed the whole time.  I don't know.  All I know is that its been a long wait.  And its only going to get longer.
When a Dr says to you.  "You look great now, but I can promise you things are going to get really bad!," how are you supposed to deal with that?  When your children just want you to play with them but you are just flat out to tired, how am I supposed to feel then. When I'm lying in bed at night praying that when I wake up in the morning, this is all just a bad dream, how am I supposed to sleep at night.  When I carry the guilt that somewhere someone is going to die and their death will help me stay alive.  How am I supposed to live with that.

You just do.  Because you have to.  There is no backing out of being sick.  You have to stay strong for your children and family.  You sleep because your body and mind are just to tired to stay awake.  And you remind yourself that you you are being given the most precious gift, the gift of life.  I keep reminding myself to be thankful for all that I have today.  And all that I will have to look forward to because of this person.  There is just no other way to get though this with out fighting every urge to give up. I find things to laugh about when all I want to do is cry.  I play a game of soccer even though each kick leaves me weak in the knees.  I sing silly songs when all I want is a little peace and quiet.  Life will go on, with or with out me.  But I want to be here for every minuet of it. 

So here's to my 11th month of waiting.  Yes its been a really hard year, buts its also 11 months I have been stable and able to hold my own.  A few bumps in the road, but I'm here.  I'm thankful for each and every day I get to spend at home with my family and for every morning I wake up in my own bed.  Unless something big comes up, I'm guessing I will be counting the months for a while.  Here's to another month of living life!
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