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You Almost Forget These Nights

Posted Dec 20 2009 12:00am

It wasn’t so much the suicidal ideation.  No, I needed to use every ounce of what little strength I had to stay away from the knives in the kitchen drawer, last night.  Oh, when did I last feel like that?

Friday, August 07, 2009.  Only then, I did do a cutting.

That’s a little over four months.  I don’t even know what that means.  Good? Bad? Indifferent? Or, better put for that last one: Inconsequential? Sure, you may be all thinking, ‘Yay, PA! You didn’t do a cutting!’ Well, I guess in terms of my thinking, I’ll go with: “Indifferent.”

I don’t even know what to call myself in terms of cutting.  I’m “A Cutter?” I “Was A Cutter?” I’m “A Recovering Cutter?” Whatever.

I still don’t know if I can play “Name That Monster!” or not, but I may be getting closer.  Or not.

The ultimate “Monster” may be X-mASS.  Or…is it that X-mASS will be the only, remaining Monster ultimately to be named? There are too many other things going on right now, too many other things that have gone on; I can’t factor everything into this nasty equation where I seem to be situated.  I’m the last one in the classroom, trying to finish the final exam.  I’m barely half way through it, and time is running out.

X-mASS can be hit or miss with me.  Some years I am fine, others not.  However, usually with the “nots,” I have a bit less warning? I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.  Perhaps it is better, as it is like a bomb just drops on you, and then it’s over.  X-mASS is done and over with! Retaliate! A bomb you, too, X-mASS!

This year? Perhaps more warning.  I will not belabour the points.  So much of it is scattered all over this blog, already! Not even “scattered!” More warning may be worse.  Look how I began this Post! Look where I was last night! I have no bloody clue where I am right now, much less where I’ll be tonight!

I do know that as the days pass, I keep putting things off more and more.  I am trying not to “succumb” to the “theory” of not eating in order to “gain control over my environment.”  I need to eat because I am physically sick–even if not eating does help me feel better due to the gastro sx.

I need to gain control over my environment by other means.  And fast.  There are things I need to do that really are inescapable.  If I don’t do them…I will still remain here.  It’s as simple as that.  Well, the remaining here part is what is simple.  Me gaining control is not so simple at all.

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