It wasn’t so much the suicidal ideation. No, I needed to use every ounce of what little strength I had to stay away from the knives in the kitchen drawer, last night. Oh, when did I last feel like that?
Friday, August 07, 2009. Only then, I did do a cutting.
That’s a little over four months. I don’t even know what that means. Good? Bad? Indifferent? Or, better put for that last one: Inconsequential? Sure, you may be all thinking, ‘Yay, PA! You didn’t do a cutting!’ Well, I guess in terms of my thinking, I’ll go with: “Indifferent.”
I don’t even know what to call myself in terms of cutting. I’m “A Cutter?” I “Was A Cutter?” I’m “A Recovering Cutter?” Whatever.
The ultimate “Monster” may be X-mASS. Or…is it that X-mASS will be the only, remaining Monster ultimately to be named? There are too many other things going on right now, too many other things that have gone on; I can’t factor everything into this nasty equation where I seem to be situated. I’m the last one in the classroom, trying to finish the final exam. I’m barely half way through it, and time is running out.
X-mASS can be hit or miss with me. Some years I am fine, others not. However, usually with the “nots,” I have a bit less warning? I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Perhaps it is better, as it is like a bomb just drops on you, and then it’s over. X-mASS is done and over with! Retaliate! A bomb you, too, X-mASS!
This year? Perhaps more warning. I will not belabour the points. So much of it is scattered all over this blog, already! Not even “scattered!” More warning may be worse. Look how I began this Post! Look where I was last night! I have no bloody clue where I am right now, much less where I’ll be tonight!
I do know that as the days pass, I keep putting things off more and more. I am trying not to “succumb” to the “theory” of not eating in order to “gain control over my environment.” I need to eat because I am physically sick–even if not eating does help me feel better due to the gastro sx.
I need to gain control over my environment by other means. And fast. There are things I need to do that really are inescapable. If I don’t do them…I will still remain here. It’s as simple as that. Well, the remaining here part is what is simple. Me gaining control is not so simple at all.