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Why the Hell Do I Blog?

Posted May 29 2010 12:00am

I’ve asked myself this question before but maybe not so much in the forthcoming manner.  I’m going to end up “interviewing” myself here, as well.  You may learn a bit more about my blogging habits than I’ve revealed, but if there’s one thing this blog is, that would be honest! In fact, I think I’ve actually revealed some things to me!

However, before I begin, how have I asked this in the past? I suppose it’s been more in an immediate sense.  Done out of frustration? I’ve questioned the point of my writing, as I’ve felt it all garbage.  I’ve felt angst and anxiety when I couldn’t come up with material.

I’ve found blogging tedious, boring.  I’ve posted how many times about needing a break, only to come right back! Then, I feel it’s some kind of crazy addiction! That confuses me like you wouldn’t believe and drives me totally over the edge!

So, I’m going to ask this question now (and a few more) in a broader sense.

1. Why, just exactly, the hell do I blog?

In no particular order: I find it cathartic, I do want to help people and provide useful information if I can.  I use my blog as a diary–a tool for tracking details about my own mental health issues (e.g. my seizures.)  I try to use it as a creative outlet and I’ve used it to reach out to others, whether I know if they’re reading or not.  Sometimes as a cry for help.

2. Do you regret any of your posts?

Oh, shit yeah! There are some that I used to call (and I still do) “Drive-by’s.”  As in a Drive-by Shooting? I can’t take credit for that term.  I read it on another blogger’s blog who had me blogrolled.

Those posts were written when I was generally in self-medication heaven (or hell.)  They’re pretty fucked up  (or entertaining dependent upon your perspective.)  Then again, I was too (fucked up, but not entertaining!) I could include some “non-self-medicated” ones, where I was just plain, old bonkers, but the Drive-by’s I usually reserve for the ones I wrote while being wasted.

Many of my “cries for help” posts I am extremely embarrassed about.  It may not be so much in writing them, but more about they way I did it.  I’m not sure.  I don’t like to for help, let alone cry for it!

3. Beyond individual posts, do you feel anything negative about your blog, overall?

Not really.  As an entire package, I don’t think I have any strong feelings regarding it, period.

4. Have you ever wished you never started your blog?

Oh, god.  This is one of those weird, hypothetical questions where you really have no clue, do you? How can you go back to any decision you’ve ever made, and imagine how it would have affected your life, all the way up to present day!

I suppose I would have to say yes.  Or at least thought about it at some points? This blog has been around for a little over 3.5 years.  Hmmm…lots to think about? Lots of potential “yes” answers, there? And even though wishing I’d never started may seem counterintuitive to the prior question, that one is all about content.

My blog has taken me down some twisted roads, darkened alleys, over rocky terrain, through beautiful gardens and left me standing still, scratching my head at empty crossroads.  It’s brought to me so many emotions.  I don’t even know if I could name them all–and that has nothing to do with my Alexithymia! Some of them I was already well aquainted with; some I preferred never to get to know!

5. Do you think you’ll ever shut down your blog or quit blogging?

I don’t know.  For now, though? Nope.

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