Think of this as Chapter one. A collection of reasons why I hate Christmas. Chapter 2 will follow shortly and involves my mother in law, xanax, and a Griswold family vacation.
I go into Target last week for candy corn. I have an addiction issue involving candy corn and jelly beans. Trying my damndest to make this a quick trip since the store is packed. I can’t find halloween crap at the front of the store because of the heap of “end of summer blowout sales” and “back to school clearance” piles. Pencils, 3-ring binders, glue sticks, beach balls, sand toys… no candy corn. Oh, yeah, don’t forget the winter coat preview at the front door. I broke out in a sweat. Not because it was 91 degrees out and I was staring down the sleeve of a poly-woolen blend hell, but because I needed to now go to THE BACK. You know, when you ask if they have any more of something, they send that pimple faced 18 yr old kid to some mystery place to go to check for shit they know they don’t have so you can stand at the door like a drooling lemming while he disappears to go scratch his balls. Ten minutes later, he’ll come out and say “Sorry, I checked in THE BACK and we’re all out.”
Anyways, hands in pockets and head down, I start my way to the back corner of the store to the dreaded Seasonal Aisle-o-shit -u-don’t-need-or-want-but-we-will -shove-down- your-throat- on-a-quarterly- basis-anyway. Digging thru piles of plastic tombstones, grim reaper masks, and those creepy candy bowls that shout muahahahahahahahaha when you reach in for candy, I’m near despair at this point. I round the corner and BEHOLD! An entire endcap of my beloved candy corns. Grabbing 6 bags (that should last me until at least next week), I look up… Fiber optic Christmas trees and inflatable santas. WTF? You are kidding me right? Its FRIGGIN SEPTEMBER! I wandered up and down this grouping of gaiety and glee. Tinkerbell costumes, plastic pumpkins, moving light up reindeer, bucket-o-skulls, tri-color icicle lights, and fuzzy Jeff Gordon Christmas stockings all smashed together in an orgy of togetherness.
I’m not sure when I missed the bus on this one. (apparently, I’ve missed quite a few buses. Been tossed under some too) Who woke up one day and said, “You know what? I just looooove Baby Jesus.” (think Talladega Nights ‘dear sweet baby Jesus’ speech) “Know what I need?”
Gee, how about a Nativity scene to celebrate the birth of Christ? A donation to your favorite charity to celebrate the season of giving? Perhaps phoning a long lost friend to reconnect in this season of cheer?
No.
A 14 foot inflatable snow globe for the front lawn.
I’m going to bed. Somebody wake me up on January 2 nd.
Think of this as Chapter one. A collection of reasons why I hate Christmas. Chapter 2 will follow shortly and involves my mother in law, xanax, and a Griswold family vacation.
I go into Target last week for candy corn. I have an addiction issue involving candy corn and jelly beans. Trying my damndest to make this a quick trip since the store is packed. I can’t find halloween crap at the front of the store because of the heap of “end of summer blowout sales” and “back to school clearance” piles. Pencils, 3-ring binders, glue sticks, beach balls, sand toys… no candy corn. Oh, yeah, don’t forget the winter coat preview at the front door. I broke out in a sweat. Not because it was 91 degrees out and I was staring down the sleeve of a poly-woolen blend hell, but because I needed to now go to THE BACK. You know, when you ask if they have any more of something, they send that pimple faced 18 yr old kid to some mystery place to go to check for shit they know they don’t have so you can stand at the door like a drooling lemming while he disappears to go scratch his balls. Ten minutes later, he’ll come out and say “Sorry, I checked in THE BACK and we’re all out.”
Anyways, hands in pockets and head down, I start my way to the back corner of the store to the dreaded Seasonal Aisle-o-shit -u-don’t-need-or-want-but-we-will -shove-down- your-throat- on-a-quarterly- basis-anyway. Digging thru piles of plastic tombstones, grim reaper masks, and those creepy candy bowls that shout muahahahahahahahaha when you reach in for candy, I’m near despair at this point. I round the corner and BEHOLD! An entire endcap of my beloved candy corns. Grabbing 6 bags (that should last me until at least next week), I look up… Fiber optic Christmas trees and inflatable santas. WTF? You are kidding me right? Its FRIGGIN SEPTEMBER! I wandered up and down this grouping of gaiety and glee. Tinkerbell costumes, plastic pumpkins, moving light up reindeer, bucket-o-skulls, tri-color icicle lights, and fuzzy Jeff Gordon Christmas stockings all smashed together in an orgy of togetherness.
I’m not sure when I missed the bus on this one. (apparently, I’ve missed quite a few buses. Been tossed under some too) Who woke up one day and said, “You know what? I just looooove Baby Jesus.” (think Talladega Nights ‘dear sweet baby Jesus’ speech) “Know what I need?”
Gee, how about a Nativity scene to celebrate the birth of Christ? A donation to your favorite charity to celebrate the season of giving? Perhaps phoning a long lost friend to reconnect in this season of cheer?
No.
A 14 foot inflatable snow globe for the front lawn.
I’m going to bed. Somebody wake me up on January 2 nd.