I think my posts over the last week have caused concern..some comments I have got are..how sad it is ...how very very concerned/worried people are,..that I am unwell/very unwell and that I need help urgently...you get my drift.
So the question is when is concern concerning?
I mean it is lovely that people care about me, me who has never met any of you..it is humbling that I am away for months and then come back and you are there ready to be supportive.
But, I dont think I am unwell. I dont think there is/should be concern. I feel terribly guilty for causing concern ..when I am not ill ...well I may be ill but with a compeltely different disorder?
So should other people's concern, be concerning? is it that maybe I am not seeing what others see.
On saturday I went ot MDF group despite feeling a fraud as I dont believe I ever had 'Manic depression'. We went round talking about what has happened the last month. I told them I had come off meds, that I had given money to CC, been to airport and bought ticket (but not got on plane), tried to sort out rioters etc, etc.. the only reason I mentioned these things is that I may have been acting weird, as it looked like I wasnt listening to anyone, because I couldnt listen , because of the noise, the air and a distant alarm.. anyhow they were concerned..
I have slept a total of about 5 hours in the last 7 days. there is just so much in my head at the moment I feel like there must be steam coming out my ears. Last night I had a lengthy conversation with 'Differently Sane'. I am now convinced more than ever I had/have Munchausen or that type of thing here is my evidence.
1. Meds have no effect on me . In fact I dont have side effects or withdrawal. this is because I do not need medication because I am not ill. in fact I do believe the services have been giving me a placebo, becuase they have known all along that I had munchausen and perhaps they thought if they humoured me I would go away.
2. My psychiatrist is supposed to be a specialist in bipolar disorder, but I have never seen anyone in waiting acting even slightly elated, or particularly depressed. Maybe he is a specialist in factitious disorder, and it is part of treatment to allow me to work it out.
3. My psychiatrist always wants to use me as an example of bad srvices in training...but I think I am an example but I now believe I am an example of how to treat quite a rare and unusual disorder.
4. All my MHA assesments - 12, perhaps I fabricated them, or manipualted people into assessing me ,after all why wouldnt I want several drs, sw , cpn etc all talkign about me...it is all about attention after all.
5. If I do have a mood disorder, then why do services and sevral different CC allow me to go from crisis to crisis...answer :because the crisis aren't real.
6.If I have a mood disorder, and was on high dose of medication..then why have I been left unmonitored for next few months to go off meds...why did CC not contact me and leave me without meds cutting my withdrawal plan to nothing within 2 weeks instead of 3.
There you go, So I guess the above suggests you shouldnt be concerned at all. I need to point out I am sorry, I never deliberately wanted attention., in fact I hate attention in all honesty (or maybe I am fooling myself I do???- its os confusing)
And there you go. Also crisis said they would ring CC to tell her I didnt have meds first thing monday,(which she already knew) she hasnt contacted me. It doesnt matter you see when both the meds and the illness is FAKE.