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What was up must come down

Posted Jul 31 2009 8:05pm
Feeling a bit low here at present which is why I haven't blogged. Had a funeral on wednesday my partner's cousin she wqas disabled from birth and never expected to live until a great age but at 20 it was still sad. Made me think of my own mortality, how close I've come to one of those coffins.

I doubt I would have the same turn out, people would no doubt be more angry than upset I would have let them down its not the same as when you die naturally is it? People assume you died because you were weak when really I would have died of an illness no different from any other.

About a year ago I took an overdose which led me to A&E, back when I was naive enough to think 16 paracetamol would kill me. It's been a year and now I have a diagnosis- Rapid cycling Bipolar disorder, I have care workers, plans, and am on a whole lot of meds but still those thoughts creep in finding every free crack to seep in their intrusive thoughts.

There are days when I accept my diagnosis am happy that I do at least experience some highs of mood and am not chronicaly depressed and can for the most part maintain a grip on reality. Then there are the other days when I can't be strong anymore when I know it will kill me, and if it doesn't then do I really want to live as I have the last year. If I'm honest there are times when I want to die, when I've laid there and held my breathe til I'm dizzy, but that never works.

I think I'm just in a low spot, being a rapid cycler I can take courage that my mood will go up again. But I'm tired of the cycle, in fact I'm exhausted I wan't to be left alone to be how it was before - If I could remember how that was.

On top of that I am becoming quite the recluse, apart from the obligatory trip to nursery to drop of my son I don't go out and when I do it's after taking a few Lorazepam (which I have come to depend on) I just stay in and think or if I take sevral Loraz then sleep. At the funeral I had to run out because I had a panic attack and was going to faint.

I saw work on tuesday and I'm signed off until 6th August they are having meeting to see if they will let me come back and on what terms. With all these thoughts in my head and the tiredness I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but I haven't been paid since february,as stat sick pay ran out and benefits not sorted right and can't seem to get throught to DWP.

Anyway that's my week..........
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