giving up, giving in, throwing in the towel, crying uncle………..
I’ve waged constant battles with taking psych meds. I simply, do not want them in my body. I do not want to feel like a zombie who is putting on pounds by the minute. I don’t want my feelings numbed and non-existant. I don’t want the Hellbutrin jitters.And, I sure don’t want God knows what in side my brain to be permanently screwed up.
But, I also know when my emotions are becoming erractic. Topsy-turvy. Unpredictable. Downright scary. And, they are at that point right now. I have felt and showed enoughrange of emotions in the last few weeks to either win an Academy award or qualify for my own little cubicle at the local looney bin.
I feel great sadness welling up without warning. The kind that makes you wonder what is the use….of anything? No point to life if it’s all black and cold. This is usually accompanied by a feeling of doom and a lot of weeping and gnashing of my teeth. This soon turns into a high level of agitation. I feel every nerve in my body screaming, burning, and tightening up so bad that I expect at anytime to be permanently shrunken by their recoil. I want to scream. And, actually, yesterday, I did. I scremed and raged at God. I begged Him for relief. Then, I begged just for an end to it all. This is playing real havoc on my body physically. I do go to sleep at nite but awakened with sore arms and legs. It’s as if I’ve been fighting during the night. Real pain. Not imaginary. I wake up with no expectations, no willingness to do anything, and a complete abscense of peace or joy.
And, I don’t like this. I cannot continue to live like this. There are only two ways out. For now, I’ll take the most reasonable one. I started back on AD’s today. I have Zoloft and Effexor on hand. I chose the Effexor. I , also, have some Lamictal. But, Lamictal leaves me hungover for hours in the morning. I’ve tried taking it earlier in the evening but still have that sleepiness until around noon.
This morning, I started thinking about renting a car and just leaving. Just driving somewhere, anywhere. But, what good would that really do. Unless, I can leave my brain behind, I’m still fucked. And this is just so damn unfair! I get really angry sometimes about being bipolar. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!! And, then the constant striving to act normal, appear normal is becoming too fucking hard! I do not want my daughters to have a mother who is scary……either sleeping, unable to concentrate, or plain old unable to fill the roll as their mother.
I have a podc appt on Thursday. Actually, it’s with the Phys Assit. She is so young and so inexperienced. I’m fairly sure that I can talk her into most anything. BUT WHAT? Every med option has a unwanted side effect. So, now what? Here’s where I make an admission that’s hard. I love BENZOs. I do. Benzos make you really not give much of a shit about anything. Benzos send you to a nice place.Benzos bring the calmness to my head that I desperately need. However, I know how addictive benzos are. I’ve been there. I’ve had to constantly fight the craving for benzos. Plus, they do long term damage if you take them on a regular basis for an extended length of time. A lot of people don’t realize that benzos have a long life and stay in your brain long after you take them. This is true of regular users. I doubt that is true if a person takes one now and again.
What a need is a small dose (or maybe a huge-ass dose) of mania. I researched ways to today to induce mania. Yes, mania has lots of baggage with it. But, in all seriousness, I would give almost anything to be manic over this shitroll of emotions that I’ve been having lately. I MISS MANIA! I do. I really do. At least, I feel when I’m manic. At least, I look forward to the morning. And, I actually get things done. I MISS MY FUCKING MANIA!!!! But, I honestly would settle for just getting rid of this damn lingering depression and frequent agitation.
I’m feeling like a real loser tonight. I’ve been on here championing the cause of de-drugging and now, I’m being somewhat hypocritic. It’s either suck it up and pop the pills or……………I just don’t know what the “or” would be.
Laughter is the music of the heart. And, there is no music for me right now.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. HELP!