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VOICES OF RECOVERY: Will Meecham

Posted Mar 21 2010 10:08pm

This is my story of recovery from severe depression. My message is one of hope. On the one hand, I doubt many people have experienced longer lasting or more severe depression than me (though a multitude have it just as bad). On the other, I have found my way to a place of contentment and steadiness that I never dreamt possible.

Although depression has dogged me for most of my adult life, my mood reached new lows after I lost my surgical career to severe arthritis in my neck. My spirits were especially crushed because the loss of occupation brought up lingering self-doubts left over from a highly traumatic childhood.

In recovering, I tried every type of therapy and group program that promised to assist me with my problems. These methods helped me improve my thought patterns, accept the present moment, and find spiritual peace. To my delight and surprise, I am often happy. Although I still get depressed from time to time, my spiritual centering and acceptance work have taught me that grief and sadness are as important and rich as happiness; I would not want to miss the textured sense of connection with tragedy. Whether happy or sad, I am at peace with my mind and my history.

Medications played a big role at first, but they ultimately turned on me. Under the direction of a psychiatrist whose only tools were drugs and endless exploration of my childhood, I spent five years heavily sedated and unable to function productively. After horrible side effects threatened to lower my self esteem even more, I switched to another care system and have spent recent years reducing an oppressive cocktail of medications.  Perhaps I needed to escape into an antipsychotic haze for several years, but when the drugs were reduced my grief awaited me, and I still had to deal with feelings about my losses. I learned there is no way to sidestep mourning.

During the past decade I’ve tried many times to build a new career. False starts and rejections added to my burden, until I gave in and accepted permanent retirement from defined employment. Then, after I finally felt at peace with not working, I discovered a career direction that makes sense. The operative concept is acceptance. Once I quit fighting my fear of being seen as unproductive, and once I learned to keep busy and avoid boredom, my mind opened to a new possibility. I had to accept what I feared before moving past it.

I have learned that there is no single answer to depression or other mental health issues. Medications may help, but they do not magically take away the problem. Acceptance is vital, but by itself is insufficient. One needs to learn to think without fostering depression, but that alone won’t end the sadness. Exercise, meditation, group work, writing, good nutrition, and regular sleep all need to be considered. With a comprehensive approach, recovery is possible.

It takes effort and time. If you are suffering from depression, you will need to both work hard and remain patient. You may also need to learn to live with some low feelings. But knowing how much I’ve improved despite years of despair, I suspect that no matter how depressed you may feel, you can find peace.


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