Violence

Happy Easter!

I still feel like shite but not as shite as I did previously. I have spent most of this weekend asleep. Consequently, the bout of mixed-up hypomania that I was experiencing seems to have passed, which is good as I was running myself into the ground.

I hate living where I do because it is so cold. Nobody will take responsibility for the broken windows (this building is in the process of being sold), there is no heating (none, no central heating) or hot water so I have the electric heater on all the time which isn’t that good and which costs me so much to run. But I can’t afford to live anywhere else and private landlords don’t really take on housing benefits. Consequently, I keep getting ill. And when it’s sold, the rent will increase and I’ll have to move out anyway. Noone takes housing benefits and I wouldn’t be able to afford my rent. Because I’m under 25 I already pay a chunk of my rent out of benefits.

For all those who are afraid of the mask in the banner; fear not! It is I at an Anti-Scientology protest, and I put that image there as a little bit of an identifier that I am against their misinformed, hysterical anti-psychiatry. I’ll eventually change the image. Thank you for liking my eyes, though I’m rather bored of them myself.

I managed to get out of the house on Friday. I had a nice evening but regretted it the next day; I am very stubborn when I’m physically unwell and insist on proving that I’m not. I did realise something a little saddening when I was out; now I am on medication and off booze, I am a wallflower. My friends typically think of me as very loud and outgoing, but the shyness I assuaged with alcohol and that was obliterated when manic is now just shyness and I flatten myself against walls refusing to be seen. It is a little bit upsetting since I really thought that my outgoing nature was part of my personality, but I guess it is not. It is times like that when I miss my easy hyperactivity that comes with mania. I fear nobody, I speak to everybody.

Speaking of mania, there’s a topic I’d like to discuss today. It’s one I have really sidled away from since beginning this blog as it is most repugnant and also shaming.

Violence! Let’s talk about violence.

Last night, Rob and I were watching some cheap crime programme that featured people with mental illness pretty much flipping out. It made me uncomfortable and I switched it over. I wasn’t uncomfortable watching people lose control like that, I was uncomfortable recalling those times that I have lost control.

People with mental illness have an undeserved reputation for violence. When someone with mental illness commits an act of violence, the screeching condemnation of the media and public alike is never far behind.

Violence committed by those with mental illnesses like schizophrenia and manic depression is extremely rare. People with those illnesses are far, far more likely to take their own lives, to hurt themselves, than to hurt someone else.

People with mental illness aren’t some sort of altruistic subspecies; people with mental illnesses are just that; people who have mental illnesses so are subject to the same personality traits as others, such as being nasty, malicious and what not.

So naturally some violent crimes committed by those with mental illness are just that; violent crimes. However, there are crimes committed by those with mental illness that will be a direct result of their illness and to which they should not be held criminally responsible. This is particularly true in the case of psychosis.

The best way I can illustrate this is by using myself as an example. I come across as a rational, good person, right? I am not violent, in any shape or form. I would never hurt somebody. I’m not an angry type of person, I don’t get into arguments or fights very often at all. I rarely raise my voice.

It is very hard to explain to people the lack of control we can have over mental illness. To the outside world, this behaviour may seem malicious. It may not be understood that an illness is causing this behaviour and that the person experiencing it is neither aware they are ill nor aware they are out of control. It’s natural that people might not get that; after all, our mind is our centre, it controls so much; our emotions, our personality. We just “are”, as far as our minds go.

Psychosis is especially difficult to explain. Psychosis feels real, in every sense. Imagine you see a lion in the street, wouldn’t you be scared Psychotic reactions are absolutely normal, it is just that the thing causing this reaction is not real. But in the psychotic mind, it is incredibly difficult to distinguish real from unreal. The body and the mind reacts to this unreal hallucination or delusion as if it was absolutely concrete. To somebody who has never experienced psychosis, it is hard to grasp. Psychosis can be incredibly valuable to some. They can be religious experiences, artistic ones, peaceful ones. My psychosis has included delusions of grandeur where I’ve believed I was famous and important and “special” and that’s quite a positive feeling. But I’ve also had paranoid delusions of persecution when I’ve been psychotic.

Psychosis is generally the “insanity” defence.

For the most part, the times in which I have been violent have been caused by paranoid psychosis. Bear in mind that I had no idea whatsoever that I was psychotic and would have not believed anybody who said that I was. And psychosis has figured quite largely in my life. And Rob’s, thanks to me.

In episodes of paranoid psychosis, I’ve held a few firm beliefs. One of them was that I was constantly being followed and that people meant to kill me. This would, mostly, mean that I wouldn’t leave the house and that I would be very watchful (looking out the windows a lot, taping up entrances, locking doors).

In the times that I had to leave the house, I would be overwhelmingly petrified. I would either run away or turn back and go home. On some occasions, I jumped into gardens and hid when I perceived people to be following me. I tried to not use public transport and if I did, it was likely I’d have a panic attack and get off rather quickly. These episodes usually accompanied really severe episodes of mania or depression.

I did lash out a few times with a view to protecting myself. It was, in my mind, self defense. I was not out to hurt anybody, I just perceived that they were out to hurt me. I never did much damage; my reactions would mostly be turning to scream at the perceived stalker, throwing stuff, pushing them, etc etc, asking them why and suchlike.

Horrible, yes, and possibly difficult to understand but imagine if you were really in danger- wouldn’t your reaction be the same?

There was one episode that lasted a few months in which I believed that my friends had been murdered. That one led to a police caution.

Some people suppose that violent “intrusive thoughts” can cause violence. This is where the “snapped” thing wrongfully stems from. This has certainly never been the case with me, even though I am consistently afflicted by horrifically violent and disturbing intrusive thoughts. They are extremely frightening to live with, but they I have, and I think this is true for most people, absolutely no desire to act upon them. They are unwanted and unasked for, and they are not malicious in nature and they are not related to who I am as a person.

My point is that I imagine that some people with psychosis have reacted violently because that they felt they were in danger. They have reacted violently because they felt they were defending themselves. It is in these cases that I believe the violence is directly caused by mental illness and that it’s not the person’s fault.

From this, you can also see why I am so afraid of having another psychotic episode. I’ve had quite a few, from manic to depressed to mixed and the effects are always enduring and scary.

How can it be prevented? The obvious answer is better mental health care. Seeing the person who is caring for you as often as possible so that they can recognise psychosis and act quickly. Of course, some of this lies with us who are suffering from mental illness. If you refuse to go to your appointments, you’re not going to get the care. But instead of thinking that we’re just lazy, think in terms of the illness; what other reasons are there for someone not attending their appointments? Have their negative symptoms or depression worsened so that they simply do not have the motivation to go? Or have their psychotic or manic symptoms worsened and they believe they do not need to be treated?

This would be better, rather than the damning, “Non-compliant” being on your record.